The Drivel

the dress... just kidding ;)

2005-09-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

So, you still get to see the title about the dress. And if you really want to know all the latest details it does entail the dress. It came home for good this week. It's all tailored and fitted and everything. There are no more wrinkles and it's just gorgeous. But, enough about the dress.

The deal is this: I am more tired than I have ever been before in my life. I've had mono, and I've done the college/work thing. They hold nothing over planning my wedding. I'm freaking exhausted. Some of it may have to do with the fact that work has been super tough. We're talking one of the hardest starts of the school year that my school has ever seen. Let me assure you that I will probably be looking for a job at the end of the school year or so. I guess I might stay, but it really does get hard to stay after a while. I hit a year at this job in January. That's really all I need for my resume and admission applications for the future. But, then there's the kids. They are cute. But, some days they just really aren't that cute at all. So, we'll see. I just kind of want to be on the missions field somewhere honestly.

So, I think this week entails getting the cake squared away and the tuxedo rented. Also, the whole DJ thing needs to be solved. I think I'm also going to go shopping with my mom and best friend to get all of the decorations figured out. So, that's the deal. Oh, yeah, and I meet with the photographer on Wed. to get all of that figured out as well. So, seriously, that's a typical week. It's kind of fun and then you wake up and remember that you also have to pack your house because you're moving next month as well. I mean, it has all been a cool process. The invitations rock, registering was sweet, getting a new apartment was awesome and getting a couch was a freaking bonus. The deal is, is that all of that takes time and energy--some things more than others. The invitations took me about three weeks. We're talking I probably put about 20 hours of work into those bad boys, and that's not even including the slave labor I didn't hire. But, they are gone, out of here and hopefully in your hands. Anyway, enough about the rockin invitations.

I think the hardest part is that my whole identity seems to have become, Leah soon-to-be Jones, the freaking wedding planner, invitation maker, address collector, list maker and executor, and by the way bride. The bazaar part is that never again will I just be Leah Rueter. Soon I'll be Leah Jones--or Jonesie as some of you have coined already. I can remember when we were reading Don Quiote in World Thought and Culture and we were talking about whether or not changing just a name can make someone different. Prof. Hills was our guest speaker and he brought up the point that when women marry it carries significant weight because they change their name and it incorporates such a huge change. I've always waited for the day that I would get to change my name. Everyone mispronounces it and noone can spell it. But, in eight weeks and six days I will get to do just that. Change it forever. Honestly, tonight I'm kind of sad, but it's a good kind of sad. It's the sad that I've wanted to feel for a long time. Big changes and good stress is still change and stress. Huge decisions though fun and exciting are still huge. So, something as insignificant as changing my name is huge because of the change that it signifies in me.

Anyway, there's the nitty gritty. That's the deal tonight...

the dress...

2005-08-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I got my dress. It's totally amazing. It was seriously the sixth dress that I tried on, too. The lady that was helping me said that usually a bride tries on "her dress" within the first five dresses. Not that I ever go with the flow anyway... number six was it and my sister picked it out. It was pretty fun too. I'm glad that I didn't have a huge, long, drawn out process that took forever and had much blood sweat and tears. It was just an afternoon with my mom, Chris's mom, my sister and my niece. Huge, huge blessing.

I think one of the coolest parts that I'm looking forward to the most is designing the invitations. Since Chris's last name is Jones, you gotta know that something Jones Soda-esk is going to pop out. My sister-in-law is going to help me with that. I'm not only excited to see the magic we can create, but I'm just excited to spend time with her and my brother. But, anyway... that's kind of the latest. Things are falling together rather nicely. I am so very blessed. I'll keep the posting going. I'm on a roll now...two in as many weeks?!

I'm not dead yet!

2005-07-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, Ok. There shall be no more digging of graves for this site. But, it has been three full months since I've really sat down to darken the blogger's door. So, let's catch up...

I wrote the last blog because I was in the beginning of a relationship with a fabulous guy, but I had a lot of stuff from past experiences that I needed to work through. I think Chris hit it right on the head when he turned to me and asked, "Do you think I'm going to leave you? Is that what you are waiting for?" Well, since that's the pattern of the past, you may just be correct. So, I needed to grow a bit. And it was a bit hard to come to terms with some brokenness left in my life. Thus, "growing sucks."

But, moving on from that this has been an amazing ride and I have been so blessed to be a part of it. Together, Chris and I have traveled a ton, gotten to know each other better and grown a friendship. It's been amazing. We've visited friends, family and everyone in between. This weekend we're headed out to the Tri-Cities to visit Poopie and Chris's dad. Last weekend we were at Banks Lake camping with my family (where Chris asked my dad if he could marry me--in front of the whole family). A couple of weekends before that we were at Lake Tahoe going to the Jones family reunion (yep, Chris's last name is in fact Jones). It's been awesome.

Yesterday, though, really topped everything. The first date Chris ever took me on was a surprise day to Orcas Island. Yesterday was similar. I didn't know where I was going when he picked me up at 5:30am. We just started heading North. I knew we were going to Canada because I was told to bring my passport. But, other then that--Canada's a pretty big place. It was so much fun. We got into Vancouver and eventually found the travel place that we needed just in the nick of time. We went over to Vancouver Island to a little place called Nanaimo. Once in Nanaimo the Bungee Zone guys picked us up and took us out to their bungee jumping camp.

It was so beautiful. We weren't the only ones there, so we got to watch a couple of jumps before heading up our selves. We got strapped in, walked the plank and then they pushed us off. It was frickin amazing. We dropped about 140 feet in a river cannon. On doubles, they don't have you get wet, but, the next time I go, I'm getting dunked. But back to this time because what happened next was amazing. So, we're headed back down after our first bounce and Chris looks at me and says, "Hey Leah, I have a question for you. Will you marry me?" I said something to the effect of, "heck yes!" and that was pretty much everything. I couldn't believe it. Here was this amazing man taking his entire day to do something that he would never do just because it's been on my top ten list of things to do before I die. And then, he not only jumps with me, but also asks me to marry him?! Holy cow!

So, that was the most amazing date ever. The ring actually fit. It's completely gorgeous. And we finished out the night tooling around downtown Vancouver. We ate a the best Indian Cuisine called Sitar, and just finished out the night in such blessed company. Indeed, we were totally blessed the entire day.

So, that's kind of where I've been. And, that's kind of where I'll be. It's a bit hilarious at times but oh so fun. Definitely not dead... alive and thriving in fact.

Today's Thought for the Day...

2005-05-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

Growing sucks.

U2

2005-04-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm sitting in my room listening to U2 and I'm recalling so many of the intense emotions I had at their concert this week. My roommate told me that it was a miracle that I got to go to the concert at all after describing the thoughts, the emotions, that I felt during and after the concert. There were so many parts of this concert that made it so much more than a concert. Just the fact that I knew I had to go to one before they stop touring (something I hope is not too close in the future) was crazy. I've just always known that. In fact, their concert has been on my top 10 list of things to do before I die. It was seriously that important to me. So, definitely, this has been a miracle. Something I will carry with me for my life. Things that they proclaim and stand for solidified my own things within me. I know that I am called to go and help people. That's what they do when they have time away from touring. And when they are touring, they are spreading the news that there is an entire world out there waiting for our help. So, I'm going. This I know. It's just a matter of when...

Praise the Lord for U2.

Spring Break!!

2005-04-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

At the end of the work day on Friday life ushered in a bit of a break. I started to breath a bit deeper and take life at a slower pace. Seriously, the first few days of my break have been nothing short of luxurious. I have been well taken care of and it's kind of cool.

So, there's this guy that I met a little over a month ago. We pretty much hit it off right from the first night we met each other. It's been fun and slow and just good. Last week he had finally gained enough momentum to ask me for my phone number and then he actually called a couple of times during the week. Kind of interesting and fun... So, I was supposed to be at his house for dinner Friday night. I was also supposed to meet his roommates who have been missionaries in the past similarly to this guy. I got to the house and had a hard time figuring out how to get through the front gate when I noticed all three pairs of eyes watching me and decided that it would probably be appropriate to start making jokes before I felt like finding the nearest rock to crawl under. The roommates were totally great. We all joked around and had a great evening. I wound up staying way later than I anticipated and when I got home, I definitely drifted off to dreams with a smile on my face.

Saturday was pretty fun. I got to hang out with my sisters and my nephew and niece. It was great. Kels wanted to go to church with me, as did my mom. But, the guy, Chris, wasn't going to be there, so my mom bailed. Then I got a phone call while I was still at my sister's house. Chris' prior engagement got done ahead of schedule and he was able to come to church. When I let my mom in on that little fact she packed herself right up and came down for church to meet this boy. It was hilarious. My roommate came too, so I was surrounded by a ton of important women who all wanted to get to know this guy who is in my life all of a sudden. We went out for a late dinner after the service and the one friend that Chris did have with him totally ditched. So, Chris and I sat opposite my mom, my sister-in-law and my roommate. It seriously looked like the Spanish Inquisition. At least they were nice though because they decided to make fun of me and share "good" stories about me. It was pretty hilarious. He apparently wasn't scared away too much because we've hung out again since.

Yesterday morning at the wee hour of 6AM he picked me up and whisked me away for a surprise adventure. The only information I was let in on was the fact that we were going on a ferry ride to get to our destination. It was awesome. He picked me up and he had strawberries waiting in the car for breakfast (yeah, I was impressed too). Conversation was awesome and before long I figured out that we were going to pass my sister's espresso stand. We stopped to say hi and Chris got to meet Effie. It was totally awesome. We eventually wound up on a ferry destined for Orcas Island--part of the San Juans--and caught an early lunch once on the other side. We drove around the Island stopping to take pictures when the opportunity arose. We also drove to the top of Mt. Constitution and climbed the watch tower in the hail and freezing wind. It was hilarious. We came back on the ferry and stopped to see my sister again on our way to have dinner with my parents. Chris got to meet my dad and after that he was brave enough to join us all for bowling night. Bowling night was definitely no less crazy with Chris' presence. In fact, I'd say it just stirred the pot even more. It was hilarious. All of the church people were coming over to meet him and then my best friend from high school dropped in with her boyfriend to meet him as well. I think by the end of the evening, Chris had met about eight or nine very important people within the course of the day. He did awesome and he even stuck around until the end of bowling so that he could drop me off at my parent's house.

So, yeah. There's a lot of cool things about him that I really like. Maybe I'll sit down to write a snapshot for you next. Or, maybe I'll sit down to fill you in on the fondu party that is set at his house again for this coming Friday. Who knows. Thank the Lord that I still have five more days of break left. I'm sure that I'll have good stuff to write about for a while...

Live and in the Flesh

2005-04-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

So, every Thursday night I go to a young adult bible study. It's awesome. We're going through the book of Acts and we're on chapter 16 this week. It has a couple of key players--Paul and Silas--who are involved in a couple of big conversions--Lydia who deals in purple cloth and the prison guard who almost committed suicide. Paul and Silas were beaten public after being stripped of clothing--publicly. They were then thrown in jail uncared for (their wounds were washed later and they were fed later). They were in pain, hungry, in doubt tired, yet it was said that at midnight they were up singing hymns and praising God. They were just stripped and beaten--publicly! And they were up singing hymns and praising God?!?

So, the question was posed, where does that kind of joy come from? What kind of relationship do you have with God to trust Him that much? How do you battle the fear of precisely this happening so that when it does happen, you're in the praising group of people instead of the grumbling, whining, complaining, sad, depressed, rejected, dejected group of people?

So, that's just something I'm chewing on for the week. It's a lot. It's big. But it is totally worth struggling with because the pay off is huge. That's all I have. Oh, except I actually have a sort of date for tomorrow night. It's Friday and I have something to do... Remind me to tell you all about it... :)

Filling the Cracks

2005-03-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it has never been my greatest kept secret that I absolutely hate the month of February. It is the month that I wage war. I wage war with my single self. I wage war with my depressed self. I wage war with my lonely self. I wage war with commercial society and their ridiculous "love" holiday. Granted, it might be a different song and dance if I actually had someone to love and be loved by other than my mom who does a fabulous job every year of remembering a card and phone call. But, you know, right now I only have my notes and choreographed movements to live through. So, it's war I wage instead of love.

I think February is such a hard month because Christmas and all of it's wonderful stress doesn't happen until the end of December which causes all recoup time and further festivities to spill over heavily into January. Sure, January holds a tight budget, but it's not short in celebration as it is the first month of the new year. By February, I'm sick of winter. I'm sick of grey outside that seems to permeate the depths of the inside with undue talent. By February, I'm ready for Spring. I'm ready for new life. I'm ready for the world to come alive once again from it's long and seemingly drawn out slumber.

I think the last couple of Februaries have been so hard because of my Novembers. Huge changes in the form of men in my life happen in November. They disappear in a sense, but November is filled. November heralds in the beginning of the family season--a season of major holidays. There's no time to deal with all of the baggage that goes along with being dumped. Undoubtedly, I'm an extremely slow processor. The very fact that this paragraph is included is a testament to that fact. It just takes me longer than many. I hash and rehash and mull over experiences longer. I'm ok with that, but I'm sure my closest friends and family get tired of listening to me talk for the 100th time about something that happened months ago. And that's ok. I do a lot of self reflection on my own time and I try to line things up with the Bible. Many times I need that plumb-line because my thinking can be so skewed. Loneliness and self-doubt can do weird things to thought processes and self-portraits.

So, all that to say I honestly look forward to March more so than any other month of the year. March is my busiest month of the year by far and has been for probably seven or eight years now. March is my ray of sunshine in the clouded and grey days. Winter officially ends. I grow another year older and have a ton of fun doing it. Along with the sun comes a renewed vigor to fight the depressing crap swimming around in my brain. And once again I can see my need and a way to attain friends. This year church held some great answers. There are benefits all the way around. So, starting the young adults group was a huge step in the right direction. And being blessed and very surprised by a new friend to look forward to at church is also pretty cool as well. I would have never guessed. But, then again, that's the best kind of surprise.

And I wouldn't have it any other way... Bring on March and Spring and friends and the sun and blessings of many different sorts... I'm waiting and ready.

Wenches and Scalliwags

2005-03-26T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's a good night. There's a lot going on in life, but it's good. I guess I'm pretty much always this way when there's a boy involved. It's kind of hilarious and it's definitely fun. And who knows if it will go past the friends phase (which I'm totally cool with), but it's just fun. Seriously, times like this make dating kind of almost fun. This huge dance that we do is sort of hilarious. I must say, as I gain more experience (and more heart ache) I get better at playing games. I don't know if that is necessarily good or not. But, it is a heck of a lot more fun. (Maybe that's just my side that has horns and a forked tail talking.)

Anyway, I've hung out with this boy for about three weeks now. We're finally to the point where we asked each other our last names tonight. Good thing there's a lot of time. If there is one thing that I learned, slower is definitely better. So, that's about it for tonight. Hope your Easter is great!

A Side of Randomness to go with that Shake

2005-03-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

So, this weekend was totally a change of pace. I have been feeling as though I’ve kind of been stuck in a rut as of late. I have been a bit lonely and just feeling like I’m in a really odd space in life right now. I’ve been hearing a ton of sermons on the body of Christ and how important it is to get involved. I’ve appreciated that a lot because it’s given me the kick in the pants that I needed to start reaching out and trying to get involved in my new church. I have been hanging out with co-workers and trying to get to know them better, but none of them would be the type of people I would want to hang out with outside of work..

So, church is really going to be the place that I’m going to meet anyone worth hanging out with outside of my roommate and that little group of friends. The problem is, I go alone. And most weeks I have felt very anonymous. So, I decided to get involved. I started with the women’s bible study. It was cool, but it just didn’t fit. I also went to a meet and greet time after church one day and got to talk to a couple of the pastors—including the young adults pastor, Crystal. She’s totally cool and she invited me to come to the young adults singles group. I figured I’d give it a try and so I went. It was totally great. I had a great time. It wasn’t too awkward. And I didn’t feel like I was a slab of meat. It just felt good to be with similar people learning good things.

Then came Saturday. I go to church Sat. night. A couple of my best friends from Stanwood dropped in and totally surprised me at my apartment. But, they left just in time for me to slip into church half an hour late. I was just in time to catch the last song and then meet and greet those around me. I happened to sit behind a group of people mostly my age and we talked for a while. It was one of the better greeting times I’ve had to endure. In fact it went so well that during the sermon the thought popped into my head that maybe this group of people would go out to a movie or something and I would be invited to tag along. The thought passed and the sermon carried on.

At the end we all walked down the isle into the foyer together, talking. And, wouldn’t you know it, I got invited to go see a movie. That idea was eventually shot down and we settled for coffee instead. It was hilarious. By this time, the group of four had dwindled down to just two—both guys, one more my age and the other quite a bit older. So, the three of us hopped into cars and headed down to the local Starbucks. It was hilarious. They were both pretty funny, but it was just nice to connect with a couple of new people. I mentioned the singles group and the guy my age said he had been thinking about going in the past. So, maybe I’ll just start recruiting people. It won’t be so awkward if I know most of the people going…

Tomorrow's Friday!!!

2005-03-10T17:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I know that I said I didn't want to live Friday to Friday. Unfortunately, they just make it so frickin hard when they pay you every other one. Tomorrow is not only Friday, it is also payday. Those are really the kinds of days I appreciate. A lot.

Speaking of jobs and paychecks. So, I was flipping between "Fight Club" and Court TV's coverage on Santa Maria's most infamous (ok, ok, it's Thursday afternoon, what was I supposed to do, go out and make use of the sunshine?!?) and some Tyler Durdan statements got the hampster back on the wheel. "You are not your job. You are not the car you drive. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the possessions you own." How true is that? I mean, you and I both know there's just so much more to life then that. I kind of put myself out there at work today. We have a PK in my class. Obviously, he's got a bit of pressure on him since his dad is a pretty huge community figure. In fact, they are so important that they make their own kid catch the short bus at the bottom of the hill so that the neighbors don't catch a glimpse that there's anything wrong with their life. I didn't defend the motives. I gave a short little Bible lesson on the Left Behind Series that Gary Derickson would be proud of. But I didn't defend the parents. Guys, there's too much hidden shame in Christian circles. There is too much. So much of the time I feel like we can't be real not only with each other, but with our selves as well. I know that all of us want to hear the "well done, my good and faithful servant" so badly. I know that I want to hear that with everything in me. But, does hearing that mean that we cut out our humanity for the sake of "holy Christian living?" In no way shape or form! We need to wake up and realize that our sad, sick, polluted testimony is all we have to share. And that everything in that testimony speaks of love. Love enough to forgive. Love enough to redeem. Love enough to become human. Love enough. We are who God created. And He created us out of love! God loves me. If I can wrap my thoughts around that enough to grasp what that really means, I can continue on being human, making mistakes, and loving those around me who are just as human and sin riddled as I am. Share your humanity. Share your hurts. Share your pains. That's what community is all about.

Take a risk. Be human.

the disappearing act

2005-03-03T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well... it sure has been a while. Goodness. I don't really know what to say. It's been a great last six weeks. My new job is going great. I really like all of the people--and the kids. I've been hanging out a ton with family while I have the chance. Yeah. Other than a new car and new phone, not a whole ton has changed. Yep, I finally decided to send my little red "piece of Nissan" out to pasture and found a great '02 Dodge Neon ES to fill the void. I must admit, it does fill the void nicely. It has a spoiler and moon roof and four disk CD player. It's a metallic steel blue. Basically, this car is spoiling me for sure. I get to make payments though, so there is a trade off. It doesn't have a name, though. I would definitely be open to suggestions.

Also, the fat phone finally was replaced with a much slimmer and sleeker distant cousin. Not that I'm against fat, but in some things, smaller is just better. The new number is (425) 870-3769.

So, yeah. I got stuff. It's a great new slogan. Maybe I'll copy write it and make tons of money off of it. Do you ever worry that you are selling out? Do little whispers ever come to haunt you in those quiet moments? Right now I feel as though I'm in a holding pattern. I'm waiting to be told that I can come in to do an excellent landing right into the middle of life. I don't want to live my life waiting for the next phase to happen. I don't want to live my life as if tomorrow is more important. I don't want to live my life Friday to Friday, just getting by one week at a time.

Right now I feel like I'm doing a lot of waiting. Waiting on a meaningful relationship. Waiting on figuring out what the heck I want to do with my life. Waiting to see if I'm really going to like this job. Waiting on seeing where the next door opens. Waiting on friends coming and surrounding me. Waiting on feeling normal and feeling like I fit in with the rest of the people my age. At what point do I just stop waiting and just start living? But yet, sometimes we wait on God. Like right now. I'm at a specific place in life to learn all of the stuff that I need before I can move on to the next thing. I have been at my job for six weeks. It is obvious that I haven't learned everything that I need to learn. So, I guess right now is just somewhat of a waiting and watching game. I'll agree to sit tight and live my life the way it is right now, but I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for a new opportunity to move up, move on, move out, move in, move around. It's all a matter of being content with the place that God has sovereignly chosen for me. It's a bit tricky at times. Especially when I am so lonely and still at just utter loss for words and an explanation when it comes to my broken love life. It's tough. But, even in the vast midst of it all, there He is, walking beside me and slowly guiding me through--every step of the way.

So, there's where I'm at today. I can't say that I'm always in a great space, but at least now I can go out and drive in a great space... ;)

The Weekend

2005-01-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

Whelp, yesterday was Friday and I was very thankful for that as my first full week was completed. It's a pretty funny group of kids and staff. They are all definitely unique and definitely interesting. The staff is so strange to me. It's just such a different feel. I went from a tiny staff who had a large percentage of strong Christians (about 7 out of 13-14 regular type staff), to a huge staff (about 30 people) where there may be about four Christians, me included. It makes for some interesting conversations as they sometimes wonder about things that I would obviously tie into biblical influence. They don't see it. Most of them don't really know any better. Needless to say they are all hilarious, odd, and very R rated after the kids leave, but most of them care a lot otherwise they wouldn't be there. So, it's a good environment in which to learn about my job, but I won't be having any deep theological breakthroughs here. I could really be an educational tool for a lot of these people. It's all about being steady and consistent and having a sense of humor with everyone. I like this job. In so many different ways it will be a challenge. I also feel safer here as there are way more staff who support if a kid goes off. So, there's some thoughts on the first week. It's definitely going to be interesting and I think I'll like it.

The Jeoreb

2005-01-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

(ok, so now that you totally didn't get that homestar reference, moving right along...)

Whelp, I survived my first day of work at the hospital. It was actually pretty fun and I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I think I'm pretty cool with the kids (six months at a crisis facility will do that to ya). I mean, kids are kids are kids. And behaviorally challenged kids are pretty similar no matter where you go. So, that's the simpler part. It's more of getting them to do things. And knowing what I'm supposed to be getting them to do...well, that is the trick. Let's just say that it was pretty entertaining to be in an environment with a whole bunch of people who were/are more eccentric than I am. Seriously, some of the people I work with make me look fairly normal. They are all pretty funny too. I think in order to work at this place for very long a sense of humor is a prerequisite. And I think that if you don't have one, you wouldn't make it very long at all.

So, lets do the run down of the day...
-my morning started off with a phone call from my carpool buddy and friend stating that she has the flu and won't be able to make it in to work. (Great! Now the only person I know won't be there to show me around.)

-I walk into the waiting room 10 minutes early and it was completely devoid of people. No one to meet me, no one to tell me where to go, no one to show me around. (I'm thinking, maybe I was wrong in picking this as my place of employment...)

-The most chipper person comes walking through and decides to show me around. (thank God I'm at least noticed!) We drop my stuff off somewhere and take off in a completely different direction meeting a lot of different people and going into a lot of different rooms. (All the while, my coffee is where my stuff is, somewhere on the other side of the building in an unmarked room...)

-We finally work our way back around the building--traveling through what seems to be multiple doors--and find my coffee in time for the morning meeting. (Ok, I think I can handle this...)

-I was introduced to everyone in the meeting--names, job titles, etc. (Am I going to be tested on this later?!?)

-As quickly as that started, it was over and I was hustled to the other side of the building into a high school room to watch and observe what goes on in the morning as kids come in. I'm basically told that one of the boys in the class has a problem with new female authority and I just need to "be firm." Well, he comes in and takes his beany off and sits down. Other kids file in and then the teacher disappears to solve a staffing problem for later on that day. The kid promptly puts the beany on over his hood. I just state the fact that hats need to be off when in the building. He responds with, "My hood is wearing the hat and besides, it's a beany turban, I have to wear it." (Great, just be firm? How about pick your battles...) After that the kid starts to say not so nice things to another kid in the room, causing that kid to leave and now I'm left with turban boy and his side-kick with another kid sitting outside in the hall way and I have no idea whether that is ok or not. (It's only 8:15!?! I have almost seven more hours of this!)

-Everyone has radios at this school. I hear them over the radios debating what they are going to do with me. All of them are basically fighting over me and they teacher, M, who has a staff member missing, my friend, wins out and I head over to his classroom. His kids are also high schoolers, but they immediately get introduced and I built report right away. They were a pretty fun group of kids--strange, but fun. I spent the better part of my day in there. And it was good.

-A couple of boys couldn't handle each other's stupid remarks and so they were both sent out into the hallway. I was sent out with them (to do what I'm not quite sure because if they really wanted to fight, it would have been easy to get me out of the way as one of them was bigger than me). And thankfully the school counselor came by and solved my problem by threatening to have both boys in a small classroom with just the three of them all day getting to know each other if they didn't get along. Both promptly solved their problems and went back into the classroom.

-I met a kid named E. He's probably about twice my size (easily) and has some of the worst social skills. Part of his treatment goals is to not use the "shock factor" when meeting new people. He failed miserably when introduced to me. He was totally nice one minute and then the next he was telling me jokes that would make even the toughest military man blush. (Note to self: Don't ever, EVER get into a situation alone with this kid with noone within yelling/screaming distance.)

-E started drawing pictures for free time later on in the day. It was cool at first. Then M, the teacher, decided that he needed to talk with the school counselor in the hallway--with the door shut--leaving me alone with all five or six kids. E's first two drawings were of men with big muscles. His third drawing, however, was of a guy with boobs. He asked me how I liked it, and when I stated that I liked his other one's better, another kid, A, decided to turn around and take a look for himself. A started yelling that it was totally disgusting and horrible and then R decided to pipe in too--A and R are the same two from the hallway earlier. R makes a "Your Dad" comment and sends A to the edge. A starts going off on E about how his dad has cancer in his leg and how it's just not cool to bring it up. (Does anyone want to sing the "Oh Shit Song?" Because I do...) I finally got A to sit back down and on task again. E thinks it's totally appropriate to keep going with the subject by saying things like, "So, A, this looks like your dad?" I finally look at E and point out the fact that A has moved on and he needs to drop it as well. He finally says ok and begins drawing again and M finds it the most opportune time to walk back into the class room again to see if I'm still alive. (Why, yes, M, I'm still alive, and I think I handled that situation fairly well for it being my first day and all... thanks for leaving me alone with them... may I remind you that it is my first day and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing at this moment in time!)

-They kept sending me to the other side of the building to make copies or take one of the kids to the prize closet. Easy enough--if the doors to the hallways had been marked! I kept coming back into the waiting room and finding the great receptionist who was always waiting with a laugh and smile for me. She always pointed me in the right direction. And somehow, I always made it back to the room again.

-By the end of the day, everyone was tired. It had apparently been a long day, not to mention a long week for most. They met together in the rec room for wrap up (basically a big, huge venting session for anyone who needs it) and they all apologized to me for leaving me alone with kids, without a radio or keys on my first day of work.

Monday, the kids won't be there and we're having a huge potluck lunch. I think it'll be a good start to a new week. And I think it'll be fun to get to see what happens on a more relaxed day. Anyway, it was a good first day of work. I'm sure I'll have more stories to come later. Thanks for the prayers...

The Wedding

2005-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

My little brother and Kelsey got married last weekend. It was so beautiful. It was just a really fun time. Kelsey was beautiful. Billy was handsome. And I just looked plain hot... ;)

The highlights of my day...
-I got to ride around with Kelsey all morning getting our hair done and make-up done. That was great to just spend some time with her.

-I got to help Billy fine tune his wedding vows.

-My sister and I were both bridesmaids and we sang in the wedding. That was totally hard, but so awesome.

-I got to walk back down the isle with two guys--totally awesome. I think I may have gotten a louder cheer for that than Billy and Kelsey got when they walked down... ;)

-I danced the night away and hung out with family and friends. It was great.

I think everyone cried (including Billy and my dad and the rest of the Rueters). It was just beautiful. This weekend is the present opening party. The honeymooners went to Whistler for the week; and then they move into their little apartment together.

Christmas

2005-01-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm getting tired of talking about hard stuff going on in my life. I feel as though I've talked about me and all of my troubles enough for right now. Let's talk Christmas. It's a way better subject surprisingly...

Ok, so I'm not really into Christmas. Maybe it is because I've worked the Lights of Christmas the previous seven years before and I have seen how good people can make Christmas very commercial. Christmas is not about turning a dollar even though that's what the world would like us to believe. Christmas is about the simplicity of the message of Christ and how that baby changed the world. For me Christmas is also about family, and family is what made my Christmas so special.

I had to work until one on Christmas Eve. We didn't have any kids so I just sat around for seven hours and talked with my co-worker who happens to be a really cool friend. At one I headed to my parent's home to hang out with them and my sister's family and my dad's sister and her husband and my dad's mom and her husband. It was really fun. It was a bit somber at times because my aunt has just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but the family has really rallied around her and my uncle and the night went well.

I spent the night there and woke up at my parent's house on Christmas morning just like I've done for the past 21 years. Billy was the only thing missing. He was busy running around to all of Kelsey's parents houses to do the Christmas thing so that we could have them the rest of the day (which is a great trade off if you ask me!). My dad and mom and I all opened presents. It was fun seeing their reactions to what I got them. They were excited. And I was excited too because I got some cool stuff like paint--a kind of new hobby I've picked up lately--kitchen stuff, and this really cool book that I'll have to talk about later on because it's just that funny.

The coolest part of the day, though, was heading out to my sister's house and hanging out with them all day. It was just our little family: my parents, my sister, her husband and two kids, my brother and Kelsey and a Navy buddy, and myself. It was definitely a house-full since they had switched their formal living room into a game room. That was the big present for the kids this year. They got a full sized airhockey table and a 14 foot hand shuffle board table. Plus my parents got them an awesome electric dart board that can play over 100 games and keep track of four different players. It was too fun. We played all day and had dinner together and it was amazing. The whole day was totally fun. In fact, Christmas was so fun that the next day I could barely move my shoulder because I had played so much. Talk about funny...

So, there you have it. Christmas was great this year. I totally loved it and I am just so blessed. I hope yours was fabulous as well. :)

Caedmon's Call

2005-01-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

Taken from Table for Two

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

peace of mind and sleep--what a wonderful combination...

The New Job and All That Jazz

2005-01-01T10:47:00.000-08:00

So, I officially have a new job. Praise God! I'm totally excited too. It's the hospital job in the school. I didn't take the cool Compass job because this company is just too unstable right now and I probably would have been bumped from that job by someone who has been in the company longer or has more experience anyway. Kind of frustrating. So, the next two weeks will be a bit difficult. I work a ton and Billy's wedding is in the middle of it, but it should all work out and go well. I'm definitely looking forward to the wedding. It's going to be so beautiful. But, anyway, I have a new job and they are excited to have me join their team. That's a nice feeling. So, praise God. He's totally faithful...

Happy New Year!

2005-01-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2005. There are lots of things going on already this year. I'm excited to see where my life and those lives around me go this year. Should be fun. Hope your night was exciting and fun.

New Post

2005-01-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I did have an update. For some odd reason though my computer decided to be dumb--or maybe it was the internet--and the whole thing was lost... :-P I'll have more sometime soon...

Skillet

2004-12-26T21:40:00.000-08:00

One Real Thing

Speak, and my heart starts aching
Reach, and the numbness dims
Beat, still my minds uncertain
Breathe, it begins again

You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing that I know
You are the One Real Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

Stay, locked within Your presence
Truth, renew in my mind again
Rest, cuz I know You're faithful and I
Trust, cuz I know Your name

You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing that I know
You are the One Real Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

I get down on my knees and I
Feel Your love wash over me (One Real Thing) 4x

Speak, and my heart starts aching
Reach, and the numbness dims
Beat, still my minds uncertain
Breathe, it begins again, again...

You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing that I know
You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing that I know
You are the One Real Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

I get down on my knees and I
Feel Your love wash over me(One Real Thing)

There's a Hole, There's a Hole, There's a Hole at the Bottom of the Sea

2004-12-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

Well, my two interviews are over and done with. I have the feeling I'll probably get called back for both, honestly. Both are in need of workers and I think both see potential in me. Now it's time for all of the decisions. Good thing I'm not in charge...

But, lets break it down just to see where everything stands. So, the hospital was yesterday. They are very well put together. They have a system and there's a flow. I would be the absolute lowest man on the totem pole. I wouldn't even be a para-educator. I'd be below the person below the teacher. For some reason it seems kind of strange to have a degree, have experience (albeit limited), and start there. Granted, there's lots of room to grow. Still, it is 30 miles away in some of the worst traffic in Washington. Plus, it's not a pay increase, in fact, there might be a pay decrease by 15 to 20 cents an hour. And, they don't pay you for school holidays off. Basically, if I were there employee right now, I'd have a week or two off--without pay. Kind of scary when you're renting. And they only work four days a week during the summer. So, I'd definitely have to get a second job going at least one of those days.

On the other hand, there's the Compass job with either homeless people or chronically mentally ill men who are getting kicked out of the state hospital and need a lot of support. This is a growing and learning kind of environment. The woman in charge of the two programs can't be more than a couple of years older than me and she was just made the supervisor. Needless to say, I'd be growing with the supervisor. Not a ton of structure. But, this is totally a step up. I'd be going from a "Mental Health Technician III" to a "Clinician I." Basically, in order to become a Clinician II, I'd have to have my masters or 10 years of experience. So, I'd be kind of right where I need to be. That's encouraging. Plus, as with any step up, there's a pay increase instead of decrease. And, with my car on it's last leg like it is, that's a positive thing.

Now, there's probably a few things you are wondering. One, "Ok, this Compass job sounds great, but isn't that the company that's down sizing because of budget cuts?" Exactly! I asked. Apparently, this is one of the beloved programs of the state since this program is saving the state thousands of dollars (by moving chronically mentally ill men out of the state hospital). So, there's not a huge chance that the program is getting cut. There are changes going on within the program to save money (like moving day is this weekend for the six men in the program because they need to move to Compass housing to save money), but the program is expected to grow this coming year. Right now there are six guys in the program; by years end there are supposed to be 41.

Again, you might be thinking, "Ok, so there's job security, but isn't this kind of a scary population to be working with?!? I mean, don't you need security within your job?" Have you ever passed people on the street and they are begging for money? You know that feeling you get inside of you? It's the one mixed with guilt and shame and helplessness. I swear God blessed me with an extra helping of that feeling. These people are tough. They have to be. But, aren't they still people? Don't they deserve a little bit of extra care and love because they've been so discarded and invisible for so long? Giving people back dignity and worth by sharing in their moments is such a worthwhile thing to do for me. So, bring on the unpredictable, kwirkiness. It's all good. I like growing kinds of situations. I can handle it.

One last thing. My friend, Kristi, is already at the hospital. I know that it would be a great place to work because she's there. Plus, our friend, Michael, is applying for a para-ed position too. It'd be awfully tempting with the both of them there... Not that following friends is ever the best reason. Anyway, lots of good stuff going on. Lots...

Today...

2004-12-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

Whelp, I've put in nine hours at work so far today and in a couple of hours I'm set to go in for another seven. Busy day needless to say. But, things are kind of interesting. I've gotten another call back from a different job. This one pays more and I work with a completely different population--homeless people which is totally awesome to me. So, I'm not quite sure. There are some definite perks. For one, this other job is within the Compass Family and so I could just transfer over all of my vacation, sick leave, etc. and it would be fine. Plus, it's closer. This job is here in Everett instead of clear in Bellevue. Traffic will be ten times better. And both jobs are pretty much Mon-Fri. The Compass job is 40 hours a week year round, the hospital job is usually 40 hours a week, but it has unpaid holidays just like grade school and it goes down to only four days a week during the summer.

On the other hand, everyone I've talked to said that the hospital job (at the school dealing with behaviorally challenged kids) would be a great place to work. And, the commuting thing would be shared with my friend Kristi and we would then be able to use the carpool lane (MAJOR bonus). And I would be dealing with kids--my behaviorally challenged kids--but I'd get to know them because they are at the school year round. And, the last really cool thing is that the school isn't going to get cut in budget cuts any time soon. So, that's definitely cool. I wouldn't want to have to look for another job any time soon. So, yeah.

Anyway, that's some thoughts for today. I think I might go take a short nap...

Good News...

2004-12-17T15:46:00.000-08:00

I just got a call back from the hospital. They have a school where they teach special ed. I would be a educational assistant. Sounds like a fun job. Pretty much, anything would a positive improvement at this point... If you could just pray that everything goes well. I have an interview next Wed. at 10am. I'm not necessarily the best at interviews, but God's will be done. I could use a lot of prayer though... :)

2004-12-15T15:14:00.000-08:00

My heart hurts today. Things are just so overwhelming and frustrating. I sometimes hate the fact that I'm such an eternal optimist. I can find hope in any situation. And, even though that is truly a gift, sometimes it just sets me up for even more hurt and pain. I called and talked to Justin today. Instead of it bringing healing and closure and answers to so many questions, it just brought more hopelessness, pain and frustration. I doubt that he'll want to talk to me any time soon. I guess I wasn't ready to bring closure to the situation. My heart is still hanging out there and his is closed and moved on. That just doesn't seem fair to me. I had a friend say recently that she prays that God protects her heart because hearts are so fragile and when they hurt, they just HURT. I should really be praying for that too. It seems like my heart is always being bruised. Whether it is kids at my job or ex-boyfriends who want to be set free, I am continually asked to give of myself, use my heart and then hurt in the process and afterward. It's not fair to say that every important, loving thing you've said was because you were "basically caught up in the moment." That's just not fair. That is so entirely hurtful.

But, that's it. I'm done. I'm moving on.

Daily Bread

2004-12-12T20:38:00.000-08:00

I was at church last night and Pastor Bob was talking about something so cool that I just wanted to share it with you. He was talking about needing to keep the Christmas season focused on three things: simplicity, sacredness, and splendor. We were going through Luke 2:4-20--the story about Jesus' birth and the shepherds and everything. Pastor Bob said that he had read through the passage backwards to see if there was anything that would hit him differently because he was so familiar with the text. Something did pop out and I found it to be nothing short of incredible.

So, the verse, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" was read. Pastor Bob got so excited and said, "Do you know what I found when I read that verse backwards?" He went on, "All these things her heart pondered and these things kept Mary." Guys, whatever you choose to put in your heart and keep will keep you. That's why there are so many people who don't live for God throughout their lives. That's why Derickson said only one out of every four in the room will lead a Godly life until glory. If you choose to keep bitterness, bitterness will keep you. If you choose to keep righteousness, righteousness will keep you. There's a direct correlation between all of the secret, inner most things kept in your heart and how you live your life now and in the future.

I just thought that was so cool. Be blessed and then go and be a blessing...

And the Survey Says...

2004-12-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

Whelp, I officially have a job... at least until January 13th. After that, I'm pretty sure that my little program will be kicked to the curb. Kind of crazy since this little program has been around since 1912 and we're the last piece of the corporation that holds a name that gives reference to the Lutheran Church who started caring for young homeless kids in the community. I don't really worry about me, but seriously the kids are taking it in the shorts yet again. But, anyway, just pray for some guidance for me. I definitely could use a huge dose of wisdom as I update my resume', apply for different jobs, and hopefully start the interview process. Questions like, "should I apply before Christmas?" "after Christmas?" "will they even be hiring after Christmas or would they just rather wait until all of the busy craziness is over?" Needless to say, I should just step out on a limb and go for it. So, here's to a new leaf that will hopefully be falling my way shortly...

Waiting...

2004-12-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

I had someone once say to me that we spend 1/3 of our lives waiting--waiting for coffee, waiting for the bus, waiting for the light to turn green, waiting in the waiting room for the doctor, waiting for Mr./Mrs. Right to come along, waiting for life to happen... It just kind of sucks waiting, yet we do it all of the time. Needless to say I'm happy that tomorrow is here. I'll find out whether or not I have a job and that'll be that. If I do loose my job, it's all good. There are other jobs out there and I'm excited about a new chapter. It's just the waiting part. In the mean time, I guess I'll go paint, bake or hang out with my roommate...

Prayer Please

2004-12-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

Whelp, as you all know I'm a social worker type person and social work doesn't always have the best funding. Today I found out that the next round of budget cuts has firmly landed on my door step. We won't know anything for sure until next week, but the proposal that everyone will hear next week is for my little corner of the corporation to be completely shut down with everyone laid off.

I have a seriously healthy dose of peace about this whole situation. The funny thing about social work is that there is always an abundance of jobs due to high turn over rate. So, there's something out there with my name engraved upon it. I just need to figure out where it is. Plus, LCCF isn't even officially on the chopping block yet so I still might have a job come Christmas. It's definitely all in God's capable and wonderful hands.

So, please just keep me and my co-workers in prayer, please. We could all use it as a good portion of us are students, renters, home owners, car payment payers, etc. Plus, it's Christmas. Anyway, thanks... :)

My Devotional Brick to the Head

2004-12-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so after I got done having my emotional cow online last night I opened up a couple of the books that I've been reading nightly for some devotional time. I kid you not, John MacArthur hit me square between the eyes with a brick. So, here it is for your viewing pleasure...

December 1
The Measure of Spiritual Maturity

"In this I rejoice, yes; and will rejoice."
~Philippians 1:18

A believer's spiritual maturity can be measured by what it takes to steal his joy. Joy is fruit of a Spirit-controlled life (Gal. 5:22). We are to rejoice always (Phil. 4:4; 1 Thess. 5:16). In all circumstances the Holy Spirit produces joy, so there ought not to be any time when we are not rejoicing in some way.

Change, confusion, trials, attacks, unmet desires, conflict, and strained relationships can throw us off balance and rob us of our joy if we're not careful. It's then we should cry out like the psalmist, "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation" (Ps. 51:12).

Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation" (John 16:33), and the apostle James said, "Count it all joy when you fall into various trials" (James 1:2). God has His own profound purpose in our afflictions, but He never takes away our joy. To maintain our joy we must adopt God's perspective regarding our trials. When we yield to the working of His Spirit in our lives, our difficulties will not overwhelm us."

You know, part of me really wants to ask whether the author has ever lived through painful situations. I mean, didn't Jesus Himself have righteous anger when turning the temple court inside out to cast away all of the greedy vendors? I mean, isn't this little piece perpetuating that false Christian attitude that everything is "wonderful" and "great?" I don't want to be false. I don't want to present a fabulous front to everyone in my life. That completely undermines my testimony--not to mention that people shy away from those who seem perfect, afraid that their frailties will become readily apparent.

I don't want to appear perfect, let alone try to be perfect. I think that's why John MacArthur included the phrase, "In all circumstances the Holy Spirit produces joy, so there ought not to be any time when we are not rejoicing in some way." Ok, so growing and learning and becoming a better person isn't always the easiest or most pleasant experience, but it's still good. I know that I'm going to be a better person by letting God work through me and around me and in my relationships with others. Sometimes He sees fit to prune, to cut back, to weed and to even pull some relationships out of my life. It hurts. It's a totally painful process, but it is good. When I choose to look at it in that light--that God still cares enough for this sin riddled lump of clay to reach down to try again--it's more than bearable. I'm thankful and almost excited to see what the next few months have in store for me.

Anyway, that's the thought for today--so far. Go and be a blessing to someone...

Anger

2004-12-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

I am so angry tonight. I just am, and there doesn't seem to be too much I can do about it so I might as well go with it for a change. I'm always telling my kids that it's ok that they are angry--it's what they do with that anger. And I'm always saying that it's ok that they hate me--they just have to respect me. Let's see if I can follow my own advise. Here's my shot at respectful anger that hopefully will keep me out of trouble with God. Pretty much anything short of that I don't really care about.

I have songs running through my head tonight. The most prominent one is Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. That's a pretty good one if I do say so myself. The words, "I walk alone, I walk alone" echo in a haunting fashion. I hate this. If I never had to date again I would be happy. I would love to just be finished with all of this dating crap. I just want someone to fully love me and cherish me the way that God has intended. I wish the seas of "I love you's" that are such a load of crap and a handful of lies would just end. No one can take deficient, faulty, untrustworthy "I love you's" to the bank. They get a person absolutely nowhere. It only ends up in pain and more hurt. This sucks. I can't wait until I'm 30. The sooner I earn my badge for making it through my 20s the better. Maybe I'll get a special award or a cheap party gift on my way out.

Anyway, I might be done ranting for a night. For those of you lucky enough to have found your significant other, hang on for dear life because life is just too short to let that slip away. For those who walk alone not by choice, hang tight, you are a beautiful creation of God and He knows the desires of your heart even when it seems like He doesn't. And for those of you who don't deserve anymore of my tears, don't worry, I'll make it. I'm going to be just fine.

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams Lyrics

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk away!

~Green Day

Oranges

2004-11-30T22:16:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sure a few of you have been wondering about the little comment on the side of my blog. Here, let me just refresh your memory of exactly which one I'm talking about since there are a few. "Your penis just pooped on me!" Justin, my happy ex-boyfriend (if that's new news to you, then read the blog entitled, "November," that'll be enlightening), was saying that to me, a girl, sitting next to him on the couch in the living room. Since I don't really have a penis and I'm not really prone to defecating on the couch due to being house broken, I'm sure you realize there's a story.

I love the fall and winter months just for the soul fact that satsumas and tangerines are in season. I love them. I think it's the only time of the year that I actually get all of my vitamin C. And, it's always been a hobby of mine to try and peel the whole mini orange with one peel. I've actually gotten pretty good at this little feat. And, I'm just obsessive enough to do it exactly the same way every time. I peel a long strip all the way around the center of the fruit and then carefully peel off the two, round ends. Let's just say it looks rather suggestive once off--kind of like an elephant with big ears...

So, there we were, sitting on the couch, watching TV, pretending that life was great, eating some satsumas. I finished mine and Justin was nice enough to grab my peeling to set it on the end table on the other side of him when some of the other peeling fell out of the "intact" one. After which came the exclamation, "Your penis just pooped on me!" Followed by a ton of laughter from the both of us, and life really was great for a moment.

So, there you have it. The story for my bazaar quote. Who knows what will pop out of someone's mouth next...

Swindoll for the Way

2004-11-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

A Worry or Two or Three...

"And which of you by worrying
can add a single hour to his life's span?"
~Luke 12:25

In the depths of every person's soul, in the secret chambers where no one else knows the thoughts, we are usually able to find a worry or two or three. Even in the hearts of those who are laughing and smiling.

We worry about death--our own or that of a loved one. We worry about disobedience and sin, about feelings of guilt. We worry about daily problems--people problems, decision problems, problems related to work, home, relationships, finances, school... you name it, we worry about it...

One of the problems with worry is that it keeps you from enjoying what you have. When you worry about what you don't have, you won't be able to enjoy what you do have. That's what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 6:25: "I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink..." Worry is assuming responsibilities that God never intended for you to handle, because they are His.

~Charles Swindoll
"Wisdom for the Way: Wise Words for Busy People"

Would you pass me another helping of U2 please?

2004-11-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you are a U2 fan. In fact, I don't really care if you detest U2 or not. Let me just phrase it this way, even if you deplore U2, there's something on their new album for you. How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb just might possibly be one of U2's most truthful and glaringly amazing albums to date. I know, I know, there's a whole lot to choose from. I mean, The Joshua Tree and War have always been the debated best two works of art the Irish boys have put out. But, I'm telling you, I've listened to the whole CD five or six times since buying it on Tuesday. I wake up to it, I relax to it, the words find me through out the day and plague me to think upon the lyrics. It's amazing. And no, I don't understand what Bono is trying to say some times--the man is just too stinkin brilliant. But, it's still freaking amazing. So, what I suggest, is that you run on down to your local WalMart and buy How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb right now. It's well worth parting with $14.00 or less. In fact, it's well worth parting with $24.00 or more! Promise...

November

2004-11-25T11:01:00.000-08:00

If someone were to ask me what my favorite month of the year is, I'd likely say November. November is a great month. I know that I didn't fully appreciate it until I went to college. November is a great family month. Everyone gathers together, and it's just a great time of sharing and giving thanks. It's also the month when the weather really changes. Leaves turn all sorts of beautiful colors and then slowly begin to fall off. The grass is crispy in the morning because of midnight frost. And the world just seems to start its winter slumber. It's truly beautiful.

I really do love November. I think it's a great month. It signals changes in the weather, in the world, and in my little life. The last couple of Novembers have signaled a pretty huge change. Possibly an end in so many respects. Justin and I have decided to give the just friends thing a try. In so many ways it's a painful but good thing. It's disappointing, yet there's hope. My God is a great and magnificent God. My hope is in Him. And He knows the desires of my heart. To trust in anything but Him would be an utter lack of faith and a disappointment to myself.

So, in this fabulous month, on one of the best days of the year, I propose a toast. A toast to hope--may you find it in plenty throughout your life. A toast to the fact that I'm not in charge of my life and you aren't in charge either. A toast to true love--may you find it and hold it ever so dear. And a toast to the New Year--may it hold God's richest blessings and a magnitude of surprises especially made just with you in mind...

Happy Thanksgiving.

Salem and Corban College

2004-11-20T08:48:00.000-08:00

Whelp, I'm back up to the land of the working. But, my trip to Salem sure was a fabulous one. I got to see a ton of people (except lace and tiff!) and spend some quality time talking and catching up. It was even hilarious to run into Chris Mann and hear about his life for a while as well. (the man was so excited to see me that he seriously picked me up when we hugged! I didn't know he could do that!!!)

It was odd. I really had anticipated things to be very different. I just really prepared myself for it not to be the same. So, there were a few things different--namely the Psalms Chapel in the middle of the parking lot and tons of new stairs and walkways everywhere--but there was so much that was the same. I think it's really the heart of the campus. Plus, with all of the Seniors there, it didn't feel too different. I think next year will be weird. But, I hope that Western never looses that heart.

As I was leaving, I was struck with the fact that I definitely don't want to loose my ties to my college friends. That was seriously such a special chapter in my life. And being back just struck home yet again that I need to be faithful in keeping contacts alive and being a good friend to those that I truly love. So, I think I might start an e-mail update. I'm gonna start compiling a list of e-mail addresses. So, leave a comment or e-mail it to me (LeahsLife@gmail.com). And, in the mean time, I'm gonna try and talk my parents into helping me get the internet at my apartment for a Christmas present. :-D

Anyway, gotta run... Sponge Bob is on... :)

And then...

2004-11-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

So, yeah. Today's my Friday. For that I'm thankful. It's kind of a quiet day at work because my boss is out for training. It's a pretty good day. Only two kids. One of which has the stomach flu so she's just sleeping in her room. The other one is kind of bouncing off of the walls with some sort of sympathy pain or something. Everything is a battle with him today. So, that's a bit frustrating.

I'm totally excited to head down to Salem tomorrow. I hope that I don't get sick. If I do, though, it'll have been a long time in coming. Too much stress and change going on for the body not to get even a little sick. But, hopefully that'll come after Salem. For now, I'm just going to take it easy and have as much fun as possible. I'm totally excited.

Anyway, thanks for notes, the love and the butt shake. Totally appreciate it a ton.

Today

2004-11-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

I feel beat-up, worn-out, tired, exhausted, sad, and frustrated today. Needless to say, it's been a hard day. I only have about three hours of work left today. For that, I am very thankful. I really hope that my roommate--Theresa--and my co-worker--Kristi--got our new couches moved in by the time I get home. Otherwise, instead of sleeping all evening, I'll have to move really heavy, expensive (but free!) couches into our second floor apartment. Sounds like a fun way to work out to me... :)

Anyway, that's where I'm at for today. Life is going to be good--and in many ways it is good. Just need to figure stuff out. But, on a better note, I get to go to Salem this week. I'm totally excited about it. Hopefully that'll be the break that I need to just get away and not worry about everything. Patience is a hard thing to be taught. But, patience is so important in life. There are always reasons... we just don't always know them. Anyway, hope your day is better than mine... :)

I Love You?

2004-11-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

written in the later hours of last night... excuse the mellow-drama...

I love you. It is amazing to me. We, as human beings, try so hard to figure out words to fit completely complex, multi-layered, multi-faceted emotions. How in the world can three simple words--all of eight letters total--mean everything. How do those three measly words take dominance over so many situations, places, people? How in the world is that justifiable?

Yet, the world mean so much. They are so important. Without them, the wind is taken from beneath the wings with which we soar, the breath is stolen from our lungs, the very essence of our being is lost in a dark, cold abyss. But, this "love" thing, this "I love you"--that's what drives, that's what inspires, that's what gives meaning in an otherwise lost and lonely world.

God created us to worship Him. Sounds kind of selfish. But, through that worship, He gets to bless us, to challenge us, to grow us, to look down and know the desires of our hearts. But, most of all, He gets to love us. Our lives are a part of the Great Romance. We live to love and don't completely live until we can really love. Each of our stories are full of redemption, forgiveness--and love. What an amazing and complete love.

"I love you" seems to be such an insignificant and incomplete phrase. Yet, that phrase--possibly more so than any other--can empower, inspire, and change lives.

May I truly mean what I say and may others always take it to heart when I say, I love you.

the move...

2004-11-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

Whelp, I'm pretty much all moved in. It's great. I really love it. I got to unpack all of my dishes and pots and pans and Ikea stuff. I think I have one box of decoration stuff left to unpack, but other than that, I'm all moved in. I got a great desk from Ikea that is totally a beast. It's awesome. We completely pissed off my neighbors the first night putting it together, but I figured they all needed to know I moved in. Maybe next time I'll pound so loud and long that they'll actually come over to meet me. ;) Sounds like a fabulous plan to me...

Anyway, things are going well. Of course there are the tricky things, the tough things, the worrisome things, but it's all good. Honestly, I'm to the point right now where God is truly in control because I'm so tired that I couldn't try to take control anyway. You know that feeling like you know you've been running and trying to get everything done and you've worried about it and spent so much energy on it and all of a sudden you realize that if you had just sit back a bit you could have enjoyed the ride along the way? Yeah, that's kind of what today feels like. I think it may have to do with the fact that I started work at 3am yesterday and got off around 3:30pm. Needless to say, today is a tired day. But, anyway, I'm rambling and there is paper work to do.

So, I guess, until next time...

Man, oh man...

2004-10-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

Sheesh. My parent's computer really needs some help. Every time I got about two paragraphs into a blog, it would kick me off of the internet and thus freeze the computer with me only able to stare at my dead blog that would be no more as soon as I either got the computer to unfreeze and thus be back to just a computer screen or I restarted the damn thing and then start completely over again. Either way, it has pretty much sucked a ton. And no, they don't need computer advice...

Anyway, crazy couple of months. I'm moving in less than 48 hours. I basically just have to make it through tomorrow--work, bowling, last minute packing--and then it'll be moving day. Kind of crazy. I'm so excited though. These last couple of months have probably been some of the weirdest--and coolest--months I've ever lived through (as opposed to the one's I haven't lived through I suppose...uh, yeah...anyway). And with packing all of my stuff, I caught glimpses of stuff that I never got to unpack at my parent's house (like all of my kitchen stuff and decorating stuff) that I'm itching to use and call my own once again. Plus, I have a million and one decorating ideas floating through my brain. So, lets just leave it with, I'm totally excited. Don't know how much internet time I will have, but I'm excited. (hey, internet costs money, and I don't have a ton of that floating around at the moment with rent and such).

Moving right along. Justin's awesome. He's actually in the other room filling out his absentee ballot for the election (we both have those since we spent the last couple of years in Oregon). This week has been kind of weird. Needless to say I'm kind of all over the place with the move and such. And, we've kind of decided that we need to do the boring life stuff when we hang out with each other because it never gets done because we try to spend great time with each other and we hang out all of the time. Therefore, nothing "boring or mundane" was getting accomplished--for the last two months. Hence, he's in the other room voting. So, that all is just a bit weird. But, it's kind of cool too, because that means we're kind of learning how to do stuff with the other person. (If that makes any sense at all.) Anyway, so yeah. There'll probably be more on that boy later (per Melvin's request...).

Work is cool. The last month or so has gotten much better. There haven't been any chairs flying at my head since the last time. So, that's kind of nice. Plus, the kids and their stories have been a bit easier to take as well. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are still a bit horrific, but not nearly as bad as the kids we had during September. So, that's kind of nice too. Yeah, I guess I'll probably write more on that later too.

Anyway, not a whole ton new besides that. Maybe I'll go finish up the funeral blog that I've finished three times now. You know, fourth time is a charm--or something like that. Anyway, hope you are doing well. Find yourself loved and hugged. :)

Holy Cow...

2004-10-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm at work so this has to be short and sweet. I really want to sit down and do a couple of updates when I have a chance. This last week and a half has been absolutely crazy. Just to give you some highlights: my extended family got into a fist fight at the funeral wake and the cops had to be called and I got spit on and a chair and couch cushion hucked at my head while at work on Monday. So, yeah. Exciting life I must say...

Crazy Kids

2004-09-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

This week has been so draining. I just don't even know where to begin, but I have to start somewhere. So, last weekend we got this kid in. He's 10 and really big for a 10 year old. He's got an explosive anger problem, which sucks. It's kind of a new thing. Ever since the state told him that he couldn't live with his mom, a drug addict, and had to live with his grandma, he's been horrible and uncontrollable. It's kind of strange. This kid feels as though his life is out of sync and out of control because his family is falling apart (definitely not the strange part). The strange part is that this kid has tremendous power and control over everyone around him because of his behavior. He's so out of control and rageful that everyone bends over backwards to make this kid happy. In fact, this kid has so much control over his life that he has decided to not take any medication (which he desperately needs). At age 10 were you telling your mom what you would and wouldn't take? I know I wasn't because I knew that mom knew what she was doing. This kid, at age 10, is so disillusioned with his mom and with drugs that he won't even take the very thing that could help him begin to cope with the crap in his life. He's so disillusioned that when his mom visits he doesn't listen to anything she says because he knows she's not in charge of him anymore. This kid has really lost his innocence already. But, on to the lighter side of things.

Ok, you know those days when it just seems like everything is against you and no matter what nothing goes right? Yeah, that was totally my Saturday. This kid had "gone off" on Friday and had to be manually taken to the de-escalation room. He was throwing tables over, kicking chairs, standing on tables, hitting windows, trying to get out of the building, etc. all because he lost five math bingo games in a row. He won the first one and then lost the next five and he went off. He got to go sit in the de (de-escalation) room for a while. The next day, my boss was not there because it was Saturday. So, basically it was just Jackie and me to fend for ourselves. We decided to have a TV day in hopes that this kid wouldn't explode yet again. Too bad Murphy's Law was in play. The kid got a call from his mom in the AM and it kind of went ok. She kind of chewed him out for their previous visit and because mom has to be on speaker phone so I can listen he was totally embarrassed. Around lunch time the kids (all three of them) kind of started to get agitated. They sat around watching TV and movies all day and so there wasn't too much activity to get some built up energy out--bad idea. So, we're all eating lunch and all of a sudden the explosive kid starts going off on another one of my girls. He's accusing her of eating with her mouth open and just is starting to completely go off on her about how gross she is. So, instead of telling her to eat with her mouth closed, Jackie hopped on this kid's case about being polite and nice. The kid didn't think that to be very fair and starting making life miserable. We finally moved one of the lunch tables so she wasn't sitting across from him and he started a barrage of insults. He called her a little piggy and disgusting and gross and oinked at her. He just wouldn't quit. And when Jackie asked him to stop, he just threw his orange juice drenched taquitoes onto her lunch plate.

About that time we went into action. We asked the other two kids to hang out in their rooms and we cleaned up everything from lunch is about two minutes. The only stuff left out was his table and chair. He was screaming, "piggy, come here little piggy, oink oink oink," at the top of his lungs and wouldn't listen to anyone. Jackie was kind of over by him asking him to calm down and he started swearing and cursing at her and eventually threw the table over at her, hitting her in the hip. He then went and ripped open the oven door and just about toppled the whole oven over onto itself. He then turned around and started kicking cabinets and such. And eventually started throwing punches at Jackie. He got about three punches out and made contact on the third one by the time I could get across the room to help her restrain him. We started dragging him over to the de room and he was wiggling around pretty good. That's when I got full on kicked on my thigh. We got him in there and just held the door (because it can't lock) and tried to calm down and breath. Little did we know that earlier that day, this kid had unlocked the other door that leads into the office while he was on the phone with his mom. So, the whole time we were trying to catch our breath, he was running through the office and into the other half of the building (which is totally not a part of the crisis center). We finally look in the window and see the other door completely ajar and knew that this day was going to be the shittiest day ever.

So, I called 911 and told them the situation and they said they'd have a police get in contact with me (oh, yeah, they never even came--don't I feel safe...). And then I called my boss and told her the situation. Eventually I handed the phone over to Jackie and I got the pleasure of trying to get this kid back into our half of the building. He finally came back over and finally went into the day room where he's allowed and ran for the door. Our doors stay locked for 15 seconds before they will open. You have to push on them for 15 seconds and then they just open (in case of a fire). I was trying to desperately keep the door shut, but as I said before, this kid is big. So, he got out and started running. I, of course, got the pleasure of running after him. Unfortunately, I hadn't thought of grabbing my phone or a walky talky so I was on my own. This kid ran for about two full blocks at a dead sprint before his lost his shoes. He ran for another half a block and then decided this was dumb because I was keeping up with him completely. (mind you, were in a residential place, so there are people coming and going all over the place) So, I eventually got him to walk back and get his shoes and then walk back to the facility.

He walked in, sat down on the couch and turned on the TV and just sat there for about an hour. He wouldn't do anything we asked, but at least he wasn't trying to beat us up. Basically, his rage was gone as quickly as it started. Our Crisis Care Team Clinician came to reevaluate this kid to see if he needed to go else where, where they could make it more safe for him and for those around him. But, they decided that it wasn't needed so we are stuck with him until Friday night. :-P They did, however, scare the crap out of him by telling him that if he didn't gain control of his actions, he would go to a lock down facility where they would make him take his anti-depression meds. That was basically the leverage we needed to control this kid a little better.

So, yeah. Tough weekend. This kid wound up in the de room yesterday, but went there more willingly. I'm just glad that I have a couple of days off. Sometimes I love my job. Other times I definitely want to find a new one. But, no matter what, I can now say that I know how to restrain a kid who is out of control. Pretty crazy...

Change of pace and scenery

2004-09-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I'm tired of gloomy news being the first thing you see when coming to my site. That's not typically like me. I've gone off before about death and dying because it's a pretty important topic to me. So, I figured that you probably didn't want to hear about it yet again. Moving right along, then. Today is Monday, which is my last day of the work week. This weekend was long and busy and full. I'm so happy to be able to sleep in tomorrow. Anyway, this was basically just a quick note to say hey and to get some of the sadder stuff moved off of the top of the page. Funeral's on Wednesday. Should be exciting stuff... :-P I have some interesting stories from this weekend at work. The kids in right now are crazy. They have some serious issues and complete anger management problems. Lets just say, I've got a fatty bruise on my thigh from being kicked and I also got to break in my running shoes. Happy day! So, stories to come. But, later when I have more time... :)

On the sadder side...

2004-09-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

So, I got a call from my mom early this morning. Kind of sad news. My uncle had a heart attack in the early morning and died. Just sort of crazy. He was a really awesome guy. He spent a lot of his life in the service of the Lord working to make different group homes for the handicapped and elderly a suitable and nice place to live. He really raised the bar and was quite well known in the mental health field. He had a truly devoted wife, my Aunt Loretta, who could really use your prayers right now. She's so in shock that she hasn't even cried a tear yet. It'll hit her, and when it does, it's going to be absolutely devastating. Anyway, life is short so make sure you live. I'll just leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Jonathan Swift.

"May you live all the days of your life."

a day off?

2004-09-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what's going on right now, but I have actually found myself with nothing to do for the rest of the day. That is definitely kind of crazy. This morning my dad and I went and transferred my car into my name and then went and got all of my insurance transferred into my name as well. Kind of crazy to think that I'm pretty much a self-sufficient person now. The car and insurance were basically the last stand. Speaking of, I was approved along with my roommate for our apartment earlier this week. I think our move in date is at the end of October sometime. I'm pretty excited. I think I'm going to even have them paint a wall in my room for me before I move in (my bedroom is khaki and blue, the wall will be dark blue). Planning for a house is just so much fun. I know the colors that I want in my bedroom and bathroom and living room and I'm just excited to get it all figured out. Anyway, now that I'm just starting on that, I should probably stop before I bore you to tears with all of my decorating ideas. Just know that my house is going to look pretty awesome--hopefully. I think another trip to Ikea, JC Pennys, and the business Costco should finish off all of the big needs nicely.

So, yeah. I feel as though I've been working for about two to three week straight. I think it's because we had one little guy come in for a weekend, leave and then come in the next day and stay for two weeks. He's been there about two and a half weeks now, which is really unusual. Plus, I took some overtime this week and I had a training day yesterday so my four day work week turned into a six day work week. Crazy for sure.

So, funny work stories you ask? Where do I even begin? Ok, so I have this little guy who has been here three weekends in a row with me, and he seriously makes me laugh so hard. I don't even know where to begin with this kid because he's just that weird and funny. Basically, my boss and I were discussing the fact that he's going to probably make millions of dollars in his lifetime for inventing something that is awesome and amazing, something that everyone will need, but no one could ever think of. This kid just thinks that way. Basically, "Carl" was neglected a whole lot as a kid, plus they were extremely poor so he's made up his own little side reality to pass away the time. If you ask him to tell you a story, he'll go off for over ten minutes and take you through crazy lands and islands where flying cockerspaniels are the transportation and other clients are just huge heads of hair walking around. Totally hilarious. This kid loves tv, but if ever a barbie commercial comes on, he usually will start yelling gross at the top of his lungs and state that that is, "Baby stuff." At any given moment--but not often--this kid will throw himself on the floor faking electrocution, choking, whatever. It's usually loud and he is totally prostrate on the floor flailing about. Watching this kid at the pool was probably my favorite past time the last couple of weeks. Carl would go and get a large, toy shark and an equal sized play boat. He would then spend the next two hours pounding the boat with the shark squealing and talking in a high voice saying things like, "Oh no! Please no! It's a giant shark! No! No! No!" Two hours. Totally awesome. This kid also had this weird habit of renaming everything or associating people or things with other things. Pretty much all of the staff was renamed. Jackie was Apple Jacks, Gleb was Glove, Mary was The Lamb Lady, Sarah was Syrup, and I had one too, but I can't remember it. He never usually used your name to your face, just when he was talking about you or wondering where you were. He renamed foods as well Raisin Bran became Raisin Brand New and things like that. He was seriously just the funniest kid. And he was completely smart too. Seriously, the kid was only eight and he was way ahead of most eight year olds I know. So, that's totally awesome. Anyway, he kept me laughing all of the time. What a funny kid... Made for a good couple of weeks.

Anyway, I think that's about all I'm going to write for now. Maybe some more later. Who knows... This day is full of possibilities. :)

The Quick Work Note...

2004-09-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm totally excited. I get to go down to Seattle tonight for the first time in three days. I have a fabulos guy waiting for me so that we can make dinner when I get there (or maybe it'll already be made for me...) plus it's just going to be some fun together time that hasn't happened much this week.

Also, tomorrow starts the offical season of bowling. Our averages are set from last week and we're all ready to rock and roll. It's going to be so exciting. Hanging out with my parents and grandparents is definitely going to be a weekly highlight. My gram bowling is the cutest and funniest thing. I definitely want to be just like her when I grow up... :)

Anyway, quick note has to be over... I'll hopefully get to do some writing a little later on in the week. I have training on Tuesday, so maybe after that, but then again, who knows!?

Business is Contagious

2004-09-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

What a crazy week... I'm house and dog sitting again this weekend. Don't worry, though, no phone mishaps yet. It just makes for an extra busy work week. Not going home is always such a strange thing. It's like my groove is off and down time is hard to come by. My kids are pretty funny this week. Hopefully I'll have some time to sit down and write some stories for you all. I've definitely got a few good ones stored up from the last couple of weeks.

In happy news, I successfully made a blackberry and apple cobbler today. My kids picked the blackberries and my boss brought in baking apples, so it sounded like a wonderful idea to me. Justin's so going to make fun of me because I already called to brag to him about my success. Needless to say, I now have to prove myself and my baking prowess. :)

Anyway, back to work for me...

The Luckiest

2004-09-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

I just must be the luckiest girl in the world. I have really felt that way a lot these days. Things are just going so well, and I'm kind of scared to say that out loud because then something horrible is bound to happen. Hopefully not, though. That would definitely make me sad. Why is life so good? I guess it just might be the fact that I truly love where I'm at in the moment I'm in. You know, somedays I want to pull out my hair and scream (usually has to do with work these days), but those days pass and I once again find myself loving where I'm at even more so than where I was. Don't get me wrong, I miss college, I miss my friends, I miss being in an environment that truly cultivates and nurtures the spirit, and I miss my professors. But what good will it do to spend time missing that so much that I don't notice the blessings and wonderful things going on around me right now. So, no living in the past. I couldn't do it over again and change things even if I wanted so it is just a needless energy consumer. My college friendships, however, are meant to last, meant to still be cultivated, meant to still matter. Maybe that is why I'm gonna fill you in on a little bit of the newness in my life that seems to be attracting a large portion of my attention...

His name is Justin. He lives in Seattle. And I'm sure, from previous posts you've gathered about that much. I've always loved Seattle, and now I have an excuse to come here almost every day. Seriously, his apartment over looks the Spaceneedle, and at night, it's totally incredible. But, that's just stuff. This boy is the one who is truly incredible. We met when my family moved to Stanwood. We all became Christians at the end of my Freshman year of High School and started going to a little, local, Baptist church (an amazing story for another time for sure). Justin was a part of the youth group and also went to Stanwood High. Honestly, I didn't really notice him too much. He was nice, but kind of quiet and shy--just like me. As time went on I started working at a local Christian Camp. I worked in the dining room; Justin worked in the kitchen. We both thought each other to be totally funny. We hung out in mutual groups. He came to a couple of my birthday parties--usually with his own girlfriend. ;) And I was busy directing the traffic of my own life, planning out every last detail and trying to capture who I thought was Mr. Right--sang in his wedding a couple of years ago. We graduated and Justin left Stanwood High, Camp and Cedarhome Baptist about as quickly as he could get his hot little hands on his diploma. He went north to Bellingham and started working, got an apartment and did the school thing to try to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. I went south not too long after that and spent the next four years growing and learning and gaining character and maturity--granted, there's still a lot more to attain.

So, basically, for the last four years I've gotten a happy birthday e-mail from him and that's about it. His e-mails usually sat in my in-box all year long and every day I would open up my account and think, "Man, I really need to e-mail that boy. I wonder what he's doing." A couple of years went by and Justin decided to go to Western Culinary Arts College in Portland. He lived an hour away from me for two years, but we were both so busy that it never would have come to anything.

And then there was graduation. I moved back to Stanwood, got a job and just started trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do with myself. I got an apartment mate all set up--we're moving in the last week of October. Life was going quite well. I was kind of searching for a local friend base to hang out with because four years kind of changed the scope of free, single people to hang out with regularly. So, I happened to run into Justin's mom at Walmart a couple of times and finally decided to quit getting the scoop on him from her and just hang out with him myself. I talked with him twice on the phone before actually hanging out with him. Both times our conversation last for an hour or more. I actually met up with him down in Seattle and wound up sticking around for about five hours, talking the entire time. At one point Justin said, "I was a bit nervous that we wouldn't have anything to talk about and we'd just wind up sitting here staring at the ceiling or something." I said something to the effect of, "Yeah right. I knew that wouldn't be the case just because we were able to talk on the phone for so long both times. It just seemed like we would have enough to talk about for sure."

And that's pretty much the beginning of the end for this story. It wasn't too long before he started hanging out with my family and I started coming down to Seattle every spare moment. The first time he held my hand, my brother and his fiance were there, both barely able to contain themselves because of the excitement. I was pretty much a gonner the first time I saw him walk towards me with his floppy hair, eyebrow rings and a demeanor that spoke to the fact that he had finally gone out, found himself and proven himself a worthy and capable man--not to mention the fact that he's an amazing man of God. He's someone that I know I can trust myself with--something that I've never found before. He's honorable and intelligent and passionate about his life, about his work and about his love. He's a hopeless romantic but doesn't take himself too seriously. He makes me laugh often and can take my breath away with a look. As I said before, this is the beginning of the end.

Anyway, now that I've bored you to tears and turned my boy ten shades of red and purple, I should probably go hop in the shower and call it good for now. I'm sure there will be more stories, more thoughts, more gushings of my pathetic heart. Have a wonderful day...

The Bowling Update

2004-09-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

So, last night we set our averages for the league. It was totally great. I can't believe it because I bowled two incredible games and now my average is going to be really high and I'm going to have to work my butt off to keep my scores up. I bowled a 102 the first game, a 121 the second game and then an 85 the third game. The 85 is a more usual score for me so I don't know where the crap that 121 came from. That's probably the best game I've ever bowled ever. My average is going to be something like 100 or so which gives me something to work my butt off for every week. Anyway, just thought you'd like to know how well I did. Kind of cracks me up. I'm on my grandma and Orville's team with an old family friend. It's going to be a great year...

Tonight's the Night

2004-09-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I'm so excited. Today is the first day of my new Monday night activity for the next eight months. Kind of crazy. Kind of wild. I joined a bowling league with my family. It's going to be sweet though. My parents and grandparents play. There are people from my church on the league. It's going to be great. Plus, that means that I'll always get to have one night a week where I hang out with the family. I'm totally excited. Anyway, just thought I'd share the newness in my life for this week...

Keep Scrollin' on my Little Skriggity...

2004-09-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

Life in the fast lane. Kind of fun this week. If you had asked me last week, I would have told you how much I wanted to quit my job. This week, same kids, but way better. I just love them a ton. It's actually a lot of fun. Actually, I might be having this euphoric feeling because my biggest little whiner left this afternoon. It's kind of a relief. She's a cool kid, but she's been through so much that she's picked up horrible habits to deal with life. Whining and pouting are definitely at the top of that list. She's also the little one who had lice. I can once again let my hair down at work. For that I am very grateful.

I have one little guy that I think is leaving tomorrow. He's a different little kid. He's totally great at baseball so we've been out throwing the ball every afternoon. It's totally fun, but on Friday I missed the ball when trying to catch it and it totally smashed into my top lip. I was so afraid that I'd get a fat lip. Could you even imagine?!? I mean, my lips are big enough without any help. If I had gotten a fat lip on top of it I would have gotten a neck ache from trying to keep my head lifted all day. Anyway, kind of funny like that I suppose...

So, yeah, I'm at work. Kind of stealing a moment to write a bit. Anyway, just thought I'd talk about a little bit of what's goin on. I'm headed down to Seattle tonight to cook some great food and spend some time with this guy who I kind of like a bit. ;) Definitely lookin forward to that. Anyway, talk to ya later... :)

Lately...

2004-09-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

It was commented on the other night by one of the few people who read my drivel that I haven't posted in quite a while. Therefore, I'm going to take this spare moment that I own and provide an update. I could talk about work. I could talk about my wonderful boy (it's so true). I could talk about last weekend spent with four wonderful dogs and a cat. I could talk about how this September is so incredibly different than any September I've ever had. Lots to talk about I guess.

Ok, story time. Maybe I should just preface this whole thing by saying that I'm seriously loosing my brain. I've done so many different things lately that just prove the fact that my memory is fleeing my body in droves. You want a case in point? I have one that I think is pretty dang funny.

So, I watched my cousins' dogs last weekend. They live on Whidbey Island and they live so close to the ferry dock on the other side that you can just leave your car on mainland and walk on to the ferry and up to their house. Plus, walking saves over $30 a trip. It's awesome, but then again, this is me we're talking about here. (I swear I was dropped on my head as a child.) Anyway, the first day I walked on without a hitch. The weather wasn't wonderful, but it was still awesome to be out on the water with the seagulls and fishing boats. Totally great.

The next afternoon, however, was a bit different. You see, I would get off of work and go straight down to park my car for the night and get EVERYTHING out of my car that was needed and leave EVERYTHING that was not needed because who likes packing that much stuff up and down a huge hill and across a ferry? Anyway, I always get there with just enough time to lock up my car, pay for it so it doesn't get towed, buy my ticket and make it onto the ferry after all of the cars have loaded. We're talkin a five minute window to get all that done to make that ferry. So, I was hurrying and I put my cell phone in my pocket and got my bag ready and paid for parking and got my ticket and walked onto the ferry and went up to the passenger deck to check out the beautiful day that was laid out before me.

The ferry started moving and I was totally enjoying myself in the sunlight and then I realized that I didn't have my phone. A quick search of my bag confirmed my suspicion that my phone was not with me and therefore in one of three places, either my car, the car pay place, or the ticket buying window--all on the mainland! So, what's a girl to do? I had phone calls to make, people to visit with. Plus, I was all alone on that island with four dogs and a cat--good company, yes, but not the same as talking to Crys and Justin for sure. So, when I got off of the ferry, I went straight to the passenger holding section and waited for all of the cars to get off of the ferry so the passengers could load yet again. At this point, the ferry people were kind of looking at me with a suspicious eye. So, I boarded and went up to hang out on the passenger deck for another 15 min. ride. I got over to the other side and one ferry lady totally recognized me and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I left my phone. And thus went to all three locations to find the phone. It wasn't at the ticket buying booth, it wasn't at the overnight car pay station, and it didn't even look like it was in my car. I kind of started to panic a bit and started rip apart my car. I finally found it under my seat because it must have fallen out of my pocket as I was getting out. I thus turned right around, bought a ticket and rode the ferry to Whidbey yet again.

Seriously, I got off of work at 4, caught the 4:30 ferry and didn't get to my cousins' home until after 6:15. It was a total crack up. All of the ferry workers totally recognized me and said hi in the morning and I'm sure they'll all be totally polite when I go back later on this month to hang out with the animals again. I'll be sure to do an inventory every time I leave either side...

Anyway, that is just one reason why I'm definitely loosing my mind. I mean, it's not like I have one of those cool, little, tiny phones. Oh no, I have a hurkin, Nextel, flip phone that I can't usually fit into my pocket. Sheesh. So, that's the story for today. Maybe I'll talk about all that other stuff a little later on when I have some more time again... Hope your day is goin well!

Sigh

2004-09-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

Whelp, today has officially been way better. The kids are 50 times more manageable and it's just a better day. Tomorrow a new staff person who the kids haven't met will be working, so, we'll see how that goes with that. I think new people disrupt the calm that they so desperately try to hold on to. But, anyway, tomorrow's worries shall be left for tomorrow to deal with. Today is great. And I have a huge smile on my face... *wink, wink*

I listened to some Norah last night as I was going to sleep. Maybe I'll leave you with a bit of the song...

"It's not the pale moon that excites me, that thrills and delights me.
Oh no, it's just the nearness of you...

It isn't your sweet conversation that brings these sensations,
Oh no, it's just the nearness of you..."

Scratch That Idea...

2004-09-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so when I said I was excited for this weekend, I hadn't been to work yet to meet my kids of the week. Holy Crap! After one, nine hour day, I'm ready to be done with this week. I still have three more to go. And, basically, if I make it out of this week without getting lice, I'm going to be seriously blessed and lucky. Gosh, that just has to be the grossest thing in the whole world. Not only did I have a kid with lice, and I therefore had to pick the nits out twice, I also had a kid who ran on me today. My boss and myself had to chase him and bring him back. We seriously sat on either side of him as he laid in the grass for twenty minutes just grunting at us. Not to mention the fact that we have four kids who have horrible backgrounds and therefore need intensive intervention. I was worn out by nine and I still had seven hours to go! So, I guess the name of the game this week is survival and prayer. I need to remember my patience when dealing with these kids because they are the way they are for a reason. But just in case you were wondering, lets break it down some...

I had one little guy who is a complete whiner and has a lack of social skills, plus he doesn't like listening to staff.
I had another little girl who was also a complete whiner and she's the one who had lice that I had to deal with all day.
I had another little girl who has been trying to get any of the boys into a secluded place in order to get them to kiss her. But, better then that, when she gets pissed, she just full on takes a piss right there. Yeah. That's a happy one.
We had one little guy who just left today, but he was pretty cool, except for the small little fact that at night he gets so worked up about being away from his family that he barfs when talking on the phone with them so our office reeks of vomit. Can I just say, SICK!
And then we had my joy of joys come in today and he wasn't there any longer than an hour before I had to chase him down because he figured out the door system. Not to mention the fact that he tries not to use words while talking. Try doing an intake on that one. Getting any information out of him was a disaster. :-P

So, yeah. If I ever hear again that someone thinks psychology is "fun," I'm going to kill them on the spot. We're talking complete annihilation here... Anyway, tomorrow will be better. The sun will be up and I'll still be my cute, little, child of God, self in the morning. Nothing a little bit of sleep, some hot water, and being surrounded by people who love you can't fix... Anyway, ttyl...

one totally beautiful weekend...

2004-09-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm really excited for this weekend. I get to go over to my cousins' house and take care of their four dogs and cat. I don't know that I would be nearly as excited if the house weren't right on the water at Whidbey Island. I mean, I love the dogs and cat. I think that is so cool to hang out with them. But, seriously, their front yard drops off right into the water. They've had whale pods migrate right in front of their place. And seriously, they look back onto the mainland and the mountain ranges that surround us so nicely. I'll be able to see Baker, Rainier, and all of the littler ones inbetween. I'm totally looking forward to the sunsets. But, alas, there is no internet connection. So, the bloggage will be at a bare minimum this weekend, unless I can steal a moment or two while at work. That just means that I'll definitely have my little phone, so you can get your "Leah fix" that way... Anyway, off to run the races... Oh, that reminds me, I think I might have broke my toe! Running the races is going to be a bit more interesting. Anyway, have a great day!

Seattle in the Moonlight...

2004-09-01T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, it's never been a secret that I absolutely love Seattle and Washington along with a few other places--but namely not Oregon so much(although, I've found myself wishing to be back in the land of no sales tax and beautiful sunsets a lot lately. Maybe things are kind of shifting in Oregon's favor...). Usually, when driving home from school I had a full on dance party in my car as I drove over the Columbia River into WA territory. There was singing and screaming and shouting for joy at the top of my lungs, but tears of joy usually came when I turned around the bend to be met by the Seattle Skyline on my journey northward. I love that city. I love what that city stands for. I love the crazies who run around filling it. I love that it is surrounded by the Puget Sound. There are so many facets to that city that make it unique and different from any other city I've ever been to. And I just love it all the more.

Lately, I've gotten to spend a good amount of time in Seattle. Call it catching up with an old friend, or getting to know a new friend, either way, he's totally interesting and totally wonderful and I like him a lot. I don't know if I've mentioned that he's a brand new graduate from Western Culinary Arts School in Portland, but he is. He made an amazing dinner for me, my brother and my brother's fiance and my friend, Kelsey. We're all old friends. We all went to school and worked together at camp throughout high school. I don't know that I could hand pick a better group of friends from high school to hang out with. Each one of us is amazing and funny and talented and a child of God. I love it. And with every day bringing my brother's departure for underwater living (the big submarine man), it's super important to take advantage of these precious moments that we won't have for about fifty-five days.

Justin made us an Italian dinner and a French dessert. He personally thinks of all the ways that he could have made it better. I'm keeping tabs on how many different times he's completely impressed me or floored me with his talent and wonderful spirit that comes with. Sitting on the futon by him, talking with Kels and Billy and watching the Spaceneedle and skyline dance under the moonlight is a memory I hope I don't forget too soon. And I'm sure the other's would agree... Here's to Seattle and everything she represents and means to me in my life right now...

Singin Along at the Top of my Lungs

2004-08-31T06:46:00.000-07:00

I think there are a couple of seasons in my life that usually elicit change. Pretty much Fall and Summer are the two. Summer changes everything because school ends and I have a few months of a very different life than the rest of the year. But, fall is when everything starts a lot of times. It just seems that since I've been in school the last seventeen years, everything hinges upon Labor Day weekend, or there abouts. I'm not going back to school this year. And even though I don't have that gunshot to get me off the line, there's enough going on to make me think that life is completely different from one week to the next.

Can I just say that I love growing? And I might be shooting myself in the foot for saying that one. But, I'm not a static kind of person. I don't like standing still. I don't like being in the same place emotionally, characteristically for very long. I want to grow. I want to change. I want to become a more complete person. I want to become more of the image of God that He made me to be. With pain being the number one, most effective growing tool, it's kind of a tough thing to pray/wish for. But, I know that every year I grow older--every day in fact--I'm becoming a better person. More full. More complete. I like growing up. It's exciting. And I hope it stays exciting always.

So, yeah. There's a lot of stuff going on. Life today is much different than life a week ago. I'm just going to keep on floatin along, singing at the top of my lungs...

The Spaceneedle and the Sunrise...

2004-08-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day. That's pretty much all I have to say about it. Work was pretty good because the kids are pretty easy (also stinkin hilarious, but that's another story for another time...). But, last night was my brother's family birthday party, and we got a pretty good game of baseball going. It was totally fun. It was three on three (which is a miracle) and my nephew and niece were the team captains. My nephew happened to pick first and he chose my brother and myself and my niece chose Kelsey and my good friend, Justin. We must have played for over an hour. It was fun. Lots of cheating involved. And Kelsey took a line drive whiffle right on the collarbone. She'll be working out a way to get back at the nephew for that one... We finished up and had an awesome ice cream cake and then finished out the night watching the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. It was awesome. So stinkin funny.

I think that one of my favorite parts was crashing down in Seattle at Justin's. Waking up to green tea and a wonderful view of the Spaceneedle doesn't happen all that often. In fact, I don't think it's ever happened. So, it was completely amazing. I was sitting there, staring out the window listening to U2's "Beautiful Day." Trust me, it doesn't get much better then that.

Anyway... it's time for work. The day has officially started and it's my Friday! :)

The Fall is Here

2004-08-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

So, I was talking to a college friend on the phone last night as he was driving up to Salem to visit everyone before school stated. He was listing off various people who were back in town already and I thought it odd that they were so early. That's when he said that school was starting a week from today. Man, did that seem quick to you guys? I guess I've been an official college graduate for four months now. That's so crazy weird.

I guess I feel kind of lost. I don't have to worry about saving up money to buy books. I don't have my next nine months planned out for me. I don't have scores of friends coming back from the four corners of the earth to hang out with, live with, eat with, prank with and everything else. Seventeen years of school. What happens next?

About a month ago, I seriously started thinking about enrolling into a master's program for this year. I just couldn't see my self as being done, working, with no homework to do every night. Honestly, I'm going to miss the projects, the papers, the charts and all that that goes into being a full time student. Even though I didn't decide to enroll, I'm definitely thinking about it for the future. I was also thinking of maybe joining one of those mission organizations to teach for a certain amount of years and they'll pay off your school debt. But, I don't know.

I guess where ever the doors start opening, I'll start walking through. That's why this job is important. I'm definitely thankful for it on so many levels. I'm thinking that it just could have been hand-picked for me by God for my first job. It's a great place to learn a lot about a lot of things. I'm learning about health insurance, unions, residential living, kids, parents, pharmacology (aka drugs), diagnosises, and a whole host of other things. This week, I really felt a part of the team. I felt like I was able to finally carry my own weight around. And I felt like my boss was trusting me with some important things that needed to get done. I got to figure out a kid's prescription nightmare. I spent a lot of Friday on the phone with his prescriber (these kids have a host of people working for them like their social worker, counselor, and medication prescriber who are all different than their regular physician team. It's crazy) trying to get her to fax me the medication order before 2pm so we could figure out if we need more medications. If we had needed more then I would have had to call that prescriber back to get her to call in the prescription to Riteaide so that the kid's aunt could go pick it up and bring it to us before everything closed. It was just a big mess because the aunt isn't the legal guardian yet so her hands were tied. It was crazy. But, after getting it done and figuring it all out, I went home exhausted but feeling good about myself because I was not only entrusted with the job, but also I got it done before I left at 4.

My boss we gone on vacation on Monday, so I also got to full on start and finish an unplanned discharge. Our kids come to us in a mental health crisis for one reason or another. A lot of them are trying to change medications and get stabilized. A lot of them are here because their behavior is out of control. We had a kid in for behavior management. She was hitting her mom and grandma at home. So, we got her. But, she was able to go out with her mom every day and even went home overnight. After not being in our facility for almost 48 hours (two nights and most of two days) it was readily apparent that this kid was no longer in a behavioral crisis. I'm not sure if mom was using us for leverage over the kid (like, if you are bad, you have to spend the night there...), but regardless, the kid wasn't getting the treatment that she was paying for. I guess it wouldn't be as big of a deal if our beds didn't cost $415 a day/night. So, I started calling all of my supervisors and managers and they started calling people and we all came to the conclusion that the kid wasn't in crisis, so she needed to be discharged. That's all fine and dandy, but I was the one who had to call mom and break the news. Good thing she was an overly compliant person to begin with. I called her and told her what was decided and she brought her kid in and we emptied out the room and got them ready to go home. It was interesting to complete all that without my boss there who usually does almost all of it. I had a really encouraging co-worker who answered any questions and made sure that I was completing everything correctly. But, overall, it was the Leah Show. :)

So, anyway, it feels good to be busy. It feels good to have a little bit of purpose and stability right now. Things are changing at such a rapid pace. And yet, it seems like I have a whole lot of extra time on my hands. I guess when I move out, things will really be different. I'll get a groove, carve a nitch, build a life. Sounds like fun to me. So, bring on the fall. I'm ready for some leaf changing experiences...

Ahhh....

2004-08-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

Life is good. It's kind of random and super busy, but good. *smile* This is my Friday and I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. My work week ushered in a whole new host of more responsibilities. Including kicking out a kid this morning after calling half of the managers for my company who work in Everett. Kind of hilarious to say the least. I like the psych field. People are really nice. That's all I have to say about that one basically. So, maybe I should break down my last two weeks for ya. It's been so crazy.

So, I went out to eat with Mr. Koster a couple of weeks ago. I ran into him at the Stanwood-Camano Fair and we decided to catch up and see what we were both doing since graduation. Kind of funny to hear someone say that they've been hanging out with their family as much as I've been hanging out with my family. That always makes me smile. So, that's that one.

I have gone and seen the lot model of the apartment complex that I'm hoping to move into within the next couple of months. My roommate is a great girl who is really good friends with one of my awesome co-workers. This whole situation fell into my lap in definite God style so I couldn't pass it up. We were supposed to move in in late Sept. or early Oct., but we had to move that date back to mid Nov. Which is fine with me because that gives me more time to earn some money. But, I'm super excited. I've been planning the house decorations and picking out colors and just trying to make my place the comfy-est place possible so you all will want to come and visit often. :) *wink wink*

I got to hang out with my mom for a day last week. We went and picked up my grandma and took her grocery shopping and then out to lunch. Grandma's super funny, but her alzheimers is getting pretty bad, so it's not as funny as it used to be. But, it was great to get to spend time with mom. That's always a good day in my book...

The next day I woke up early and went with my friend Annie up to Canada. We got her student visa so she can go to school up there come September. And then we went to IKEA. It was great. I got sheets and rugs and lamps and all sorts of things. Totally exciting. I almost got a coffee table too, but it wasn't sturdy enough so I didn't get it. But, it was seriously exactly what I want it to look like, so I'm still a bit disappointed. Oh well. A family member is having a garage sale this week, so maybe I'll find some cool things there...

So, after IKEA I came back down and rode the ferry over to Whidbey Island to my cousin Leah's house to learn how to take care of her pets for her while she's on vacation with her husband. They have four big dogs and a cat. I'm so excited. Their house is mine for a couple of weekends next month. Talk about wonderful... It's right on the water. Sunsets are going to be phenomenal. :-D

And then the next day I went to Everett for my weekly work meeting and I got to hang out with my new sister (well, she will be soon). We ate at Applebee's and I seriously was having school flash-backs. It was great. Melvin, I totally thought of you when I almost dumped my Diet Coke while I was talking. It was great. Made me stop the conversation right there and tell the story. *smile*

And then work started. And it was pretty much crazy. It has been a crazy week--one, in fact, where I get phone calls while at home every night because of one thing or another with our kids. It's kind of crazy, but fun. I feel like I'm finding a nitch finally. It's exciting.

But, the highlight of my week was last night. I got to go to downtown Seattle and hang out with a friend whom I haven't seen in years. He's great. And he's probably reading this so, I can't go on and on about what a horrible...er, great time I had. ;) No, actually it will never cease to amaze me how good food, good conversation, and good friends can be so soothing to the soul. I'm definitely going to have to make some more time for that...

Anyway, my little brother is here tonight. He ships out in a week for the first time. He'll be gone until November or so, so I should probably go visit while I have the chance. Anyway, that's a snapshot of my life at the moment. Hope all is well with you. :)

2004-08-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

The sunrises have been beautiful lately. Yesterday, the sun was soft, yet deep red and it made the mountains turn purple. It is so wonderful to wake up with the world. I never thought I would say that, but, I love it. I will be sad when winter comes and I will be waking up before the world. But for now, I'm going to enjoy my moments driving in the car looking at purple mountains hiding a red sun trying to peer down at the misty valley. It's wonderful, it's beautiful, it's part of God's glory. And, it's pancake day. It's going to be a good day...

Oh, Sweet Time

2004-08-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I guess I have officially hit the working world with force. I now understand what it feels like to be exhausted all week long. And yet, there is something in me that things that if I maybe do more, put more on my plate, I will feel better because I'll be busier. I've had issues all summer long with energy. I'm not sure where my energy went, but I do miss it with every fiber of my being. I think I'll be starting some sort of vitamin regimen soon in order help with that. Maybe that'll be the trick since 8-10 hours of sleep a night isn't it...

This week has been tough. I've been emotionally and physically drained and my spirit has been lacking as well. I love working with kids. I do. But I absolutely hate working with kids who make me yell all of the time. I hate being mean and I hate feeling mean consistently. We had one kid in this week that I just wanted to bend over my knee and paddle his butt for a long time. Not that it would do any good because he had anger management issues and hitting a kid with anger problems just shows them to deal with their issues in the wrong way. But, regardless of the teaching of moral values and constructive problem solving, I swear that this kid needs the strongest spanking I could muster...

But, maybe I should talk about the kid that I really like a ton. The bad kid left yesterday *praise the LORD!* and my favorite is leaving today. I'm not working so I don't really get to say goodbye. I'm kind of sad about that, so I think I might call him later while he's still at the facility. Maybe I should explain why I like this kid so much. I mean, we almost didn't take him because the last time he was at the facility he was aggressive and abusive towards staff. But there is so much more to this kid than meets the eye. He's had a rough life. Many of our kids have had a rough life, and "A" is no different. About four years ago his mom died leaving him and his four older brothers with A's dad. The mom's death is attributed to a drug overdose which A never talks about. His four older brothers have pretty much moved out of the house, but A being 12 has to live there. His dad is a drug addict and so the State finally said "Enough!" and took him out of his home. How A translates this whole situation is by saying things like, "I'm bad. I was so bad that I even got kicked out of my house," or "I'm not a good kid. No one wants me." Talk about breaking someone's heart. It breaks my heart just to hear him say something like that, I can't even imagine the pain that this has caused in this kid's life. And it isn't even his fault. It's not his fault that his mom loved her drugs more than her kids or even her life. It's not his fault that his dad also loves his drugs more than taking care of his own flesh and blood. It's not his fault, yet he's going to have to deal with this and come to terms with this at some point in his life if he wants to be a whole, healthy person. Right now, A deals with this situation by lashing out and being aggressive in foster homes. I think he basically has the mind set that if he causes enough problems that he gets kicked out on his own, it, 1. reiterates the fact that he's a "bad kid" and no one wants him--including his dad--and 2. makes it so he gets kicked out on his own before they "figure out" what a "bad kid" he is and reject him. He's operating off of fear. And do you blame him? No way. He's blown through every foster home and foster care house for troubled boys that the state has put him in. He had no where to go, so he came to us.

And this is where the story gets better, gets harder, and gets frustrating all in one. So, A comes to us because there is no other option of living at the moment. BUT--and this is a huge but--he has an aunt and uncle in Boston who want him. This is so absolutely paramount to this kid's life. Someone actually wants him. Someone actually cares about his future. Someone may actually love him. The state of Washington actually flew his Case Worker to Boston to set up all of the different services (like the psych hospital, a counselor and things like that) that he'll need. The only thing that needed to happen was the blessing and go ahead from the state of Massachusetts, but everything was finally falling into place for this kid. And then we got news from his case worker that Mass. has said that A needs to show "stable behavior" before he can move. His reputation went before him and has shot him in the baby toe. So, we're not sure how long A is going to have to show stable behavior, but it's going to be a tough go for a while. He has two weeks with us done. He's been so good with us, but he has more time to go before he can move in with his aunt and uncle. We're hoping that he just has to show stability for two to three more weeks. If that is the case, then he's got a great group home for boys lined up and the end will be in sight enough that he can make it. If Mass. asks for too much longer then that then A will feel like it is never going to happen and he will start acting out again and it never will really happen. So, it's kind of like a catch 22 at this point. It's just kind of frustrating.

He's at a cross roads in life. He can choose what will happen, he just needs to be shown some good faith for once in his life. I like this kid--a lot. He's a pain and he knows it. But, there are so many good qualities in him. I look into his eyes and I all I can see is hope. I really truly wish that someone will take a chance with him and give him the hope that he doesn't dare wish for. I hope that someone will see the great personality this kid has. I hope that he will get to crack everyone up with his great sense of humor. I hope that he will eventually be able to say good things about himself and truly believe it and know it to be true. There is a lot that I wish for for this kid. There are a lot of things that I hope for for this kid. And there are a lot of things that I am fearful about for this kid's future. Maybe I should go call him and tell him goodbye and tell him that I want to hear good things about him and his life through the mental health grapevine...

Pray for my kids, guys. They could all use it more than you know.

The Weekend is Over...

2004-08-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

Whelp, my weekend is quickly drawing to a close. Five AM will early enough tomorrow. But, it has been a good three days. I guess I should start by saying that I picked up an extra shift and a half last week. I was even accused of being a work-aholic. I ended up working 12 1/2 hours on Monday and I was exhausted. But, Tuesday I was able to sleep in and I took full advantage of that liberty. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to sleep past 8-8:30 since I'm waking up so early, but I didn't need to worry at all. I wound up sleeping until noon and then I took a nap from 2 to 2:30. So, I basically slept as much as I had work the previous day, 12 1/2 hours.

The kids who were in last week were great. There were just two of them (both boys who are 12 and 13). But, between the both of them, there was definitely enough to do. They both are in for some anger management type issues. My buddy is of course the one who is a bit harder to handle. I think he's great. I'm glad that he can only stay two weeks, otherwise I would seriously get attached and invested in this kid's life so quickly. So, instead, it's all about making today a good day. It's all about making this kid feel good about himself--which he hasn't felt in a long time. I think the only good self reflection I could get out of him was that he was a good swimmer the first couple of days. After spending time with him and telling him all of the good things that I see, he was able to do a pretty good self-esteem group where we listed off different positive aspects of our selves and each other. I was really happy about it. The group went well and my buddy wound up with a great gingerbread man full of good things about himself to hang on his door. That definitely makes me feel good. Maybe I'll get into why I like this kid so much later. He's had it rough and I don't blame him for building walls and trying to make people reject him because of his own behavior before they can reject him because of him (I hope you can understand that one. It's kind of a common defense mechanism some kids have to beat bad things to the punch because they've had so many horrible things happen to them). Anyway, we now have four kids including my two from last week. Should be a whole new ball of wax. I'm excited though. It should be a good week. But back to the weekend...

So, Tuesday was extremely laid back. I did my laundry and cleaned my room and caught up on some Age of Empires (today I bought Age of Mythology and it's great!). Wednesday was a whole different story. It was a great day. I woke up early and headed down to Kelsey's to seek, search, and find her wedding dress. We wound up going to three different shops and she tried on over 30 dresses before the day was done. The party consisted of me, Kelsey and Kelsey's sister-in-law, Kimmy. It was fun. It was a long day and we were all extremely tired, but it was fun. I even got to try on a dress or two and found my waist again. *smile* Kelsey found her dress. It's gorgeous and really unique--just like Kels. She even got to take it home that day because the store was merging and moving so they were selling all of their in stock dresses because they won't need them at the new store. It needs to be cleaned, hemmed and rebeaded in a couple of places, but it was on sale and there was no extra charge for rush delivery (you'd think that 5 months would be enough!). We have some good ideas for brides maids dresses as well. So, I'd say the day was pretty productive.

Today was hilarious. I started out my day with all of my co-workers. That is always fun because I'm getting to know them now. Michael I already know and he just cracks me up. We were whipping out the Strong Bad quotes on each other and laughing and getting weird looks from everyone else. Definitely a good time. Oh, maybe I should say, Meg, he just got back together with his girlfriend. He said we'd get along great and play off of each other well... ;) Anyway, that's how my day started. Definitely a good start. Then I bought Age of Mythology and played that for a couple of hours. But, the best part of my day was going to the Tulalip Casino for dinner. It was awesome. That place is so amazingly beautiful. It's an amazing building. The buffet (which casinos are known for) was excellent. I'm completely stuffed. And my parents gave me a few bucks to play the slot machines for the first time. Let me tell you, I didn't have beginner's luck, but I did have fun. I just kept thinking to myself, "what would TW think? I'd laugh pretty hard if he were here right now..."

Anyway, I think that's all for right now. Maybe if I don't work too much this week I'll actually feel like blogging--that is if I'm not too busy trying to conquer Pharoah's army... ;)

It's Friday!!!

2004-08-02T06:34:00.000-07:00

Yeay! This work week is almost over. I just have 8 1/2 more hours to go on this shift. I've got some good stories about my kids. We just have two boys this week. They are 13 and 12 and pretty stinkin funny. The sunrise this morning was amazing. There was a warm red tint to it and with the misty valleys and purple mountains as the backdrop, my drive to work was almost amazing. Well, it was amazing until I hit traffic in NORTH MARYSVILLE!!! Grrr... I was late because of it. How lame. But, it was still beautiful. Nothing quite like a Northwestern Washington morning... Anyway, I don't really feel like blogging. I have things that I want to say, but I don't really feel like saying them right now. With that being said, I'm gonna go...

Donkey or Ass?

2004-07-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

So, I watched the Democratic Convention last night. I thought it to be kind of important (and since five out of my seven channels thought it to be important it kind of limited the selection). My initial response to John Kerry's speech: great job. Realize that I'm judging him on the fact that this was a speech. It was a highly important speech, but still just one, single speech. I could go into all of the different uses of ETHICAL and Marty Trammel would be proud, but I think the speech was good on a few different levels, not only the fact that he used antithesis and repetition like an old pro (whomever wrote the speech should be given a raise).

For the first time, I actually think I could tell you where JK stands on important issues. That's huge. All I've really heard in the puke worthy campaigning has either been how he voted again body armor, or that he was a Vietnam Vet. I'm sick to death of both parties commercials. And I know and have known where President Bush stands on a lot of issues, but Kerry hadn't really been hugely vocal about anything but his dislike and contempt for the Iraqi War. I finally saw a bit more of his personality and what he holds near and dear to his heart. Granted, someone else probably did write the speech.

I guess I heard some things that put some of my fears and questions to rest. I kind of feel as though what ever I vote in the coming election won't matter because I live in flamin, liberal Washington, but whatever the out come, God is still in control. Teresa Heinz-Kerry still scares the crap out of me, but good old John is a little more down to earth. So, I'm glad that my evening was taken up by an hour of the DC. It was interesting to watch and I'm sure that if John Kerry makes it into office the economy will pick up a ton (because we all know that Democrats have the best economic plan), but moral politics will probably go down the tube. What ever the outcome--Kerry or Bush, I hope that it brings about a more unified, less scary, United States.

Life for Rent

2004-07-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what happened to that dream
cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a sheild and I won't let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
who how can I say I'm alive

but if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

~Dido

The Job = Life Strivers

2004-07-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I move to days as of the 31st. I haven't really blogged a whole ton about the kids because besides the unusual sleep walkers (which we have one in right now) I don't ever see them. But, I do get to hear a whole lot about them. It's kind of sad a lot of the time. Sometimes it's kind of cool to hear where these kids have come from and what they have to go back to (as in family wise--sometimes it's cool), but most of the time it's just kind of sad. Maybe I'll tell you about the sad and then finish up with that cool little family that I really like.

I think I'll start calling my kids "life strivers" because that's all they will be doing for a long time. They are going to have a constant struggle to stay afloat in life. They are going to have to continually strive to make it--sometimes just one more day. Jenny* and Amy* are such girls. They are sisters and in my short two months of employment at LCCF I've met them both. Their stories are hard. It's sad. A lot of things are happening with funding in my county so we're going to be seeing these girls even more because some of the programs they are involved with have been down sized or even shut down completely. It's sad that preventative programs are the first ones to go--but that is another ranting for another time.

I met Amy first. I heard her story my second week on the job. Her story was super hard. Someone had crawled through her window and rapped her. She had to go through the whole kit by herself. It's invasive and it's almost as bad, if not worse than the assault on the body itself. And for a fourteen year old to go through that on her own is so tough. When she came in it was right after it happened. Basically she came to us because she was fairly suicidal, but more importantly it was kind of a break for her and her family. Her dad wasn't handling the situation at all. Plus, there was something up with the whole situation. You know when you can just tell when something is not right, when something is not being said, when something is being hidden? Everyone who has come into contact with this family feels creepy feelings in the pit of their stomach. I don't know what's up, but I do think that the family knows who did the crime, I think Amy probably knows the guy, and I think that it could be a family member. Of course, no one has anything concrete. And this is all mere speculation, but somethings going on. And we all know it. And there's a girl striving to survive.

Amy's younger sister, Jenny, is in right now. Jenny's been to LCCF a couple of times in the last year. She's got more mental health issues than her sister. She's diagnosed FAE, Fetal Alcohol Effect, which is close to FAS, Fetal Alcohol Syndrom. I'm not sure what the difference is, but it's slight. Basically, mom drank and Jenny pays. Jenny comes to us basically because she doesn't get along with her step mom who's been in her life since she was three. It's many times around her birthday (the last two of which were spent with us) because it seems to spark hard feelings and anger. The Jenny/mom communication is a lot of times reduced to bickering and name calling on the phone at our facility. And trust me, if they are doing it here, they are doing it plus more at home. Jenny's two weeks are coming to a close with us (a kid can't stay any longer than two weeks at a time), and nothing seems to be improving in the relationship with her mother. Her dad is really fed up with the whole situation. When I walked in yesterday night I read that her dad is talking about seriously separating Jenny from the family and putting her into foster care. Stuff like that is so hard. How do you tell your kid that you don't want them any more? Needless to say, Jenny is begging and pleading with them to come home. It seems, though, that they are pretty dead set to have her out of the house for more than two weeks. It makes me sad. It makes many of my co-workers angry. Again, there's something going on in that family, and those kids are just left with a negative amount of life force to strive on. We shall see what happens in the future. I'm sure I'll be meeting those girls again and probably sooner rather than later.

Anyway, on with some better stuff. So, we had this little guy in. He kind of cracked me up. He had some issues, but nothing major. I think his main issue was the start in life he was dealt. But, right now he's got a cool dad. It's actually his foster dad who has really stepped up to the plate. It makes me have some faith in the foster system that I don't think I've ever had. This little guy is kind of high maintenance. He's got some hyper activity and some attachment issues that he's dealing with so he doesn't do well with change or flexibility at all. It was cute to hear how his dad dealt with that. They have specific nights to do specific things. They have a pizza and movie night every Tuesday. Every night there is a routine for going to bed. These things make things so much easier on kids and parents. If a kid can predict what is going to happen then the kid feels security and safety. It's huge. And it's kind of cool to hear about a foster dad stepping up to the plate and doing that for a kid who has had a rough start. I love it when parents strive together with their kids to prepare them with the tools they will need for their lives. It's the way it is supposed to be. And it makes me happy.

Last Night!

2004-07-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

Whelp, my last overnight shift is officially done, I made it home safely, and the animals are well fed and taken care of. I think it's high time for some deep sleep action... I'll be up in about 6-7 hours. :)

Nimpo Lake

2004-07-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

written the morning of July 24th
Whelp, my parents just called and they are on their way to our favorite place, Nimpo Lake, B. C., Canada. Seriously, I think that if I could go anywhere in the world right now it would be to this lake in Canada. I mean, there are so many places in the world that I would like to visit, but this place has so much of my heart and soul attached to it that it will remain one of the most important and special places in the world to me.

Every summer since I was born we went North to this lake for about three weeks. It wasn't an easy drive (or cheap for that matter) for young parents to take three kids. In fact it was 600 miles of hard terrain--the last 75-100 miles of which was wash-board gravel and small boulders. All of that topped off with some of the hottest canyon miles known to man.

But the lake is completely worth it. It is so beautiful and peaceful. It fills my heart just thinking about it. I'm so thankful for our capabilities of memory. At any given moment I can be transported to early morning kayaking on a still and peaceful lake. Or there are times when I'm skidding across the lake because my dad has just tossed me from the inner tube and I'm skipping like a rock. Most of my memories have to do with trolling along the lake, fishing pole in hand, chanting, "Here fishy, fishy, fishy. Come bite me!"

Definitely good times. Hopefully I'll get to go next year. I haven't been up there since the beginning of college, so I miss it. I've started a fund to buy my very own kayak. My goal is to have a kayak and a couple of weeks off in order to go to Nimpo Lake next summer. It will be the first time in five years. I wonder what will be different. I count on most things being the same. And even though change is inevitable, time goes slower up there--I think it has to do with the altitude. ;) But, until I can go there physically, I'll just have to suffice with paddling around the lake completely from memory...

Sunlight...

2004-07-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

written the morning of July 23, 2004
Well, the sun should be up in about an hour. I'm very glad that I'm doing this night shift during the summer time because it is light out a lot. It made me sad to realize that tonight, as I was driving to work, the sun set sooner and it is starting to get darker earlier. I love the summer just because it is lighter longer.

Tonight when I came into work I found out that our computer had to be totally rebuilt and I therefore couldn't even get my e-mail or internet to work because it has to be set up again. So, when I get hooked up, I'll be able to at least get my e-mail from work. But, it was probably for the better that I couldn't get online since we aren't supposed to use the computer for any personal matters--per the supervisor's orders this week. It really would have been murder to sit through nine hours of work not being able to do any online stuff like blogging when the capability is there. So, I watched movies all night. My co-worker, Sonya, really likes Val Kilmer so we watched Heat and Ghosts in the Darkness. I had never seen Heat so that was pretty cool. I liked both movies.

...

The sun is starting to lighten the world around me. Soon I will be able to see the rays of light on the building next door. Another dark night is through and all I have in my head is Norah Jones's new song, "Sunrise, Sunrise" playing...

2004-07-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

And the new work week begins... And thus begins my last four nights to be awake all night. I'm kind of excited about that. I think that if I were to continue nights I would have more weeks like this week. This week was not a week to envy for sure. There was a lot of sleeping and a lot of feeling like I haven't slept in a long time. Everyone keeps telling me that they are excited that I'm getting back to a normal schedule. I'm glad too. It's going to be a totally different experience of work--one that isn't quite as in depth or cool, but I'll sure feel better physically. This week should be better. I figured out some stuff to do with people (which is always a good thing!) and I'm hoping to maybe get myself out some more. Maybe I'll go hiking or something this week... Anyway, off to the showers for me...

Nighttime

2004-07-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

Staying up all night four nights a week is a crazy experience. It's definitely one that I will be missing in a couple of weeks as I am moving to day shift. But, seriously, my co-worker are way cool. They crack me up. And at four in the morning when I'm talking like Strong Bad and Michael's talking like Strong Sad, there's much to laugh at. At 4am, thought, everything is so hilarious. There will definitely be cool memories to hold on to to get me through the tough days when the kids are complete monsters. Things like Monte Python quotes, reciting Homestar Runner, deep theological questions at 3am, discussions about tattooing and piercing, musicals once a week, and just sharing about life all night long. God has really blessed me with a rad first couple of months here. I hope your first work experiences are cool and teach you a lot--not only about the job, but about life too. I've been taught so much. There are things that people have challenged me to look at that I will probably be working on as long as I'm alive. But, being surrounded by a bunch of psychology majors/people will do that to ya. It's definitely a crazy experience. I'd say try it if you dare... :)

A Day of Rest

2004-07-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ahh... a day off. Basically, I work Thur. through Monday with a two hour meeting on Wed., so today is truely my one day completely off. Not a whole lot is planned. It's just some hang out time. My parents are busily trying to get all of the details planned because they are leaving to go on vacation on Saturday. They are up getting every last thing for the trip. My neice and nephew are at camp this week so I can't really surprise them and take them to the beach. But, the sun is out, my flowers are in bloom (as are the weeds), and I don't have to be anywhere at all. Kind of makes me want to bust out the slip'n'slide. Anyway, out into the great wide open...

New Linkage

2004-07-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

So, what the heck is up with the links added--unbenknownst by me--that have occured on my page and other pages? That's kind of a crappy deal if you ask me. Is everything all about the money?!? I mean, is nothing sacred anymore? Not even my opening quote? Lame. I am, though, quite excited about the other new features on the posting page. That is way cool. Anyway, more later. I'm gonna work on finding a quote that doesn't have half of the words underlined and highlighted for me...

The Miracle of Red, White and Blue

2004-07-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

So, I just got done watching Miracle for the first time, and I'm feeling rather patriotic. I came across this in the form of an e-mail a couple of weeks ago and thought it to echo Dr. D. rather closely. Hope you enjoy it...

AMERICA NEEDS TO WAKE UP!
U.S. Navy Captain Ouimette is the Executive Officer at Naval Air Station, Pensacola, Florida. Here is a copy of the speech he gave last month (what month that was, I'm not sure).

"AMERICA NEEDS TO WAKE UP!
That's what we think we heard on the 11th of September 2001 (When more than 3,000 Americans were killed) and maybe it was, but I think it should have been "Get Out of Bed!" In fact, I think the alarm clock has been buzzing since 1979 and we have continued to hit the snooze button and roll over for a few more minutes of peaceful sleep since then.

"It was a cool fall day in November 1979 in a country going through a religious and political upheaval when a group of Iranian students attacked and seized the American Embassy in Tehran. This seizure was an outright attack on American soil; it was an attack that held the world's most powerful country hostage and paralyzed a Presidency. The attack on this sovereign U. S. Embassy set the stage for events to follow for the next 23 years.

"America was still reeling from the aftermath of the Vietnam experience and had a serious threat from the Soviet Union when then, President Carter, had to do something. He chose to conduct a clandestine raid in the desert. The ill-fated mission ended in ruin, but stood as a symbol of America's inability to deal with terrorism.

"America's military had been decimated and downsized/right sized since the end of the Vietnam War. A poorly trained, poorly equipped and poorly organized military was called on to execute a complex mission that was doomed from the start.

"Shortly after the Tehran experience, Americans began to be kidnapped and killed throughout the Middle East. America could do little to protect her citizens living and working abroad. The attacks against US soil continued. In April of 1983 a large vehicle packed with high explosives was driven into the US Embassy compound in Beirut. When it explodes, it kills 63 people.

"The alarm went off again and America hit the Snooze Button once more.

"Then just six short months later a large truck heavily laden down with over 2500 pounds of TNT smashed through the main gate of the US Marine Corps headquarters in Beirut and 241 US servicemen are killed. America mourns her dead and hit the Snooze Button once more.

"Two months later in December 1983, another truck loaded with explosives is driven into the US Embassy in Kuwait, and America continues her slumber. The following year, in September 1984, another van was driven into the gate of the US Embassy in Beirut and America slept.

"Soon the terrorism spreads to Europe. In April 1985 a bomb explodes in a restaurant frequented by US soldiers in Madrid. Then in August a Volkswagen loaded with explosives is driven into the main gate of the US Air Force Base at Rhein-Main, 22 are killed and the snooze alarm is buzzing louder and louder as US interests are continually attacked. Fifty-nine days later a cruise ship, the Achille Lauro is hijacked and we watched as an American in a wheelchair is singled out of the passenger list and executed.

"The terrorists then shift their tactics to bombing civilian airliners when they bomb TWA Flight 840 in April of 1986 that killed 4 and the most tragic bombing, Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland in 1988, killing 259.

"Clinton treated these terrorist acts as crimes; in fact we are still trying to bring these people to trial. These are acts of war. The wake up alarm is getting louder and louder.

"The terrorists decide to bring the fight to America. In January 1993, two CIA agents are shot and killed as they enter CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia. The following month, February 1993, a group of terrorists are arrested after a rented van packed with explosives is driven into the underground parking garage of the World Trade Center in New York City. Six people are killed and over 1000 are injured. Still this is a crime and not an act of war?

"The Snooze alarm is depressed again.

"Then in November 1995 a car bomb explodes at a US military complex in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia killing seven service men and women. A few months later in June of 1996, another truck bomb explodes only 35 yards from the US military compound in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia. It destroys the Khobar Towers, a US Air Force barracks, killing 19 and injuring over 500. The terrorists are getting braver and smarter as they see that America does not respond decisively.

"They move to coordinate their attacks in a simultaneous attack on two US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. These attacks were planned with precision. They kill 224. America responds with cruise missile attacks and goes back to sleep.

"The USS Cole was docked in the port of Aden, Yemen for refueling on 12 October 2000, when a small craft pulled along side the ship and exploded killing 17 US Navy Sailors. Attacking a US War Ship is an act of war, but we sent the FBI to investigate the crime and went back to sleep.

"And of course you know the events of 11 September 2001. Most Americans think this was the first attack against US soil or in America. How wrong they are. America has been under a constant attack since 1979 and we chose to hit the snooze alarm and roll over and go back to sleep.

"In the news lately we have seen lots of finger pointing from every high official in government over what they knew and what they didn't know. But if you've read the papers and paid a little attention I think you can see exactly what they knew. You don't have to be in the FBI or CIA or on the National Security Council to see the pattern that has been developing since 1979.

"The President is right on when he says we are engaged in a war. I think we have been in a war for the past 23 years and it will continue until we as a people decide enough is enough.

"America needs to "Get out of Bed" and act decisively now. America has been changed forever. We have to be ready to pay the price and make the sacrifice to ensure our way of life continues. We cannot afford to keep hitting the snooze button again and again and roll over and go back to sleep.

"After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Admiral Yamamoto said "...it seems all we have done is awakened a sleeping giant." This is the message we need to disseminate to terrorists around the world.

"This is not a political thing to be hashed over in an election year this is an AMERICAN thing. This is about our Freedom and the Freedom of our children in years to come.

"Please forward this to as many people as you can especially to the young people and all those who dozed off in history class and who seem so quick to protest such a necessary military action. It is indeed . . .Time to wake up !!"

Explanation Please?

2004-07-12T02:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I feel the need to explain some things because things could get really complicated really quickly. Let me just take this time, though, to tell you to read my last blog before reading this one if you haven't already. Otherwise this could get even more confusing.

Ok. I started my new job the middle of last month. I've been here already a month and I really hope that I am no longer placed in the "fresh meat" category. When I arrived at my work place I was pleasantly surprised. There were a small number of people working and a rather high ratio of young men who were confessing Christians. I felt that it was God's way of saying, "Leah, you don't have to be at a Christian College to meet Christian guys. They are here in the real world too." Needless to say, I was a bit excited and probably completely naive as well.

So, I worked with this guy the first two days that I was orienting. He was nice in a friend kind of way, but he asked me a lot of questions. I answered because I have nothing to hide, but I didn't pick up on the fact that once I had mentioned my dating life he asked a lot more questions. The next day I worked with another guy who turned out to surprise me. At first I was really hesitant to even be around him because his personality seemed a little more abrasive, but he turned out to be pretty fun. Once I started my regular shift I started working with a guy who would seriously be a contender for a Western poster child, but more and not negatively. He's wonderful. I'm privileged to work with him two nights a week (until I move to days :( ). So, in a crew of 10 people, in a field that is largely dominated by women, I just named three young men. That's a pretty high ratio. On with the story...

So, the second night working with Michael, I received a phone call. It was the guy that I had worked with those first two days. His name was Tony and I knew that he was a bit older and I knew that there were a lot of differences between us, but I was willing to take a chance and go out on a limb. Tony was presently in Kansas City going to flight school and he basically called me to ask me out. It was really sweet and kind of totally fun. Basically, I was left a bit red and a bit speechless, but I was having fun. I felt kind of like God was saying something like, "Leah, you won't always be the number two girl. Even if this doesn't work out, I just wanted to show you that you will be number one in a man's life someday."

And then the phone calls began. Every night following that first night I got at least one phone call from Tony. Sure, there were rough edges, but no one is perfect and I was willing to look over some things in order to get to know this guy better. I figured out that he was from South America (no, he's not Hispanic, he's Black). I found out that he's 31 and will be 32 shortly. I found out a lot about this guy that really intrigue me. Of course, there was always questions like, "What is an almost 32 year old doing chasing a 22 year old?" or, "What kind of history does this guy have?" or "Where in the world is this going to head?" It was kind of fun to think about not having to live through the sheer work of the 20's or the stability a 30-something year old holds. Plus, my family is infamous for large age spans in marriage (there's eight years between my sister and her husband and sixteen years between my uncle and his wife). All the while I was kind of hearing God saying, "Leah, be careful, take it slow, but broaden your horizons."

I don't know exactly when it started, but I sort of started getting the feeling that this guy kind of wanted to go a lot further than I had ever gone before (and we're not talking meeting the parents or a trip to Mexico here...) and a lot quicker than I ever intended. It became readily apparent that we didn't hold to the same moral standards. He's 31. There's a ton more life lived by that age than my tiny 22 years. Things just weren't meshing at all. I kind of panicked on him one night and basically told him where I was coming from in an attempt to show him that I really need to take things slow and just let things happen over time. I needed to build friendship and trust and respect before anything else. And I needed him to know that I wasn't going to give up my moral standards just because he wanted it that way. I thought that we had really had a break through after I got off the phone. I really felt better about the situation. Not everything was settled, but things seemed to be on the right track. And I kind of heard God nudging me and saying, "Leah, listen to me. Please."

The next night (last night) he called again and he was really in a different mood. He had just gotten home and we were both anticipating seeing each other for the first time since all of the phone conversations. Yet, he was in a really weird mood. He was swearing a lot more than usual. And when I mentioned it and told him that I didn't really think it beautiful or even needed he totally ignored me and went right on swearing. And then weirder things started to happen. He started getting frustrated with me because he was having a hard time nailing down whether he would see me the next day and when. I finally said, "Yeah, we can go out on a date tomorrow." To which he replied, "No. No. No. We don't date. We're past that. We're together now."

Red flag. Huge, mother, red flag standing in the middle of the conversation. But it gets better... He also went off about kissing. He started saying things like, "I'm the only one who gets your kisses," or "If anyone wants to kiss you then you tell them to call me." Weird things like that. Pretty much at that point all of the blood was draining from my face and another huge, red flag presented itself and started dancing around in the middle of the conversation. At one point we were talking about our date that was supposed to happen today. He had wanted to take me out to a movie, but then when he figured out that I had to work early he decided that that didn't give us enough time together and he thought it a great idea to pick me up and bring me to his apartment and cook me dinner at his place. Ok, there's a fricken red TENT set up in the middle of the conversation now with a whole bunch of little, red scenarios about what could possibly happen dancing around. And every little, red scenario never turned out good, nor pure, nor glorifying to God let alone many of them wound up with me being completely hurt, maimed or even dead. At this point in time, I could feel God being my rock and gently coaching me through what I had to do.

So, the conversation ended around 3 and I work for 4 more hours. I thought a ton and I went home and I talked to my precious mom. Praise the Lord for mom's and especially praise the Lord for my mom! She solidified everything in my mind (as did Michael in the early morning hours after the phone call), and I was able to make the call. I called him and basically fumbled around for the first five minutes for the words I wanted to say. But, after Tony took over the conversation for about fifteen minutes he had provided me with ample things to say and reasons to not continue with a friendship, let alone a dating relationship. The conversation lasted for over an hour and basically broke down into three sections where Tony did most of the talking and I reinforced my previous position of no contact again, ever (unless professionally at work). He finally kind of caught the drift and I finally got completely firm and didn't mince words. I told him that I didn't trust him--with me or otherwise. I told him that we weren't on the same page spiritually--which will be the core of any relationship, ever. And I told him that I wasn't going to meet him half way in this relationship because I couldn't. He came up with a lot of excuses and tried to impress me more, but everything he said just made me firmer and sharper and more to the point because this was scary.

All the while God was my rock, my shield, my refuge, and He was saying, "Leah, I love you so much. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for avoiding so much hurt and pain that could have come from this. Please remember that there will be people out there who say they are Christians, but are truly wolves in sheep's clothing. Leah, I love you and I have the best for you. Trust me to bring him at the right time. Until then, take refuge in me. Refill your cup in my springs and rest and learn from me and love me while you wait."

You guys, please, please listen to that small voice inside. Please. I don't know what could have been waiting for me at his apartment. It could have just been a dinner and some conversation, but I'm not willing to put myself in a situation like that where there's only one or two good scenarios and countless other bad scenarios. Listen. Please.

Two Bad Things and a Good Thing...

2004-07-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

So, I've had an eventful night. I got to hang out with three of my favorite people and after that my night just got crazier and crazier until the boiling point that just spilled over two minutes ago.

Worst thing of the morning: I ran over a squirrel and killed it. :(

Next worst thing of the morning: I called Tony, the pilot, and called everything off (nope, didn't even go out on a date with him. Damn, I'm good...).

The good thing: I listened to the creepy feelings and the small voice inside of me telling me to cut bait and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction as this guy. Let me tell you, that gut feeling is so important. Last night a couple of red flags popped up that confirmed the gut feeling and I stood up for myself and really told him how I felt. It took an hour of convincing him, but I think I finally got through. Anyway, you can dance in circles for me about this because I think that it's pretty cool, but there shall be no dancing in dating circles any time soon... Time for me to sleep. And if you think about it, say a little prayer for me because I could use it right about now... love you guys. :)

Not Enough vs. Too Much

2004-07-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so yesterday morning... ugh. That is what happens when I haven't had enough sleep and I'm feeling way too many emotions. I'm typically a pretty happy go lucky kind of person. I'm funny and optimistic and just plain old fun to be around--typically. Every once in a while I get into a more contemplative, almost melancholy, kind of mood. I guess it happens when part of my brain decides to deep down into my deeper emotions and bring them up. Needless to say, that's when I start over analyzing my current world around me and I start jumping to conclusions and I just need to talk everything through before I start making big decisions in that frame of mind.

Case in point, last night. I just needed to talk some stuff out and it eventually happened. Things are much better, I'm not freaking out any more and I'm back to just being me--the happy go lucky me. Except, I'm smiling. A lot. And I'm having fun. A lot of it. So, yeah. You saw a different side. There are a lot of those to me, sometimes... Anyway, have a spectacular night... I will be. Tony got back into town tonight...

Melancholy

2004-07-10T04:04:00.000-07:00

Goodness. Life can be so confusing yet so simplistic sometimes. It's like things are happening so quickly that there is no time to catch up or check in. Too bad it's so stinkin early in the morning. My brain has a hard time working. I will say though, God has really been working on me a lot this week.

New situations sometimes do that. They kind of put you on the defensive and change things around until you have to learn from them. I especially love it when my own hypocrisies are laid out in front of me for my full viewing pleasure. That's always so wonderful. I guess it really boils down to if I want openness, then I need to be open. If I want trust, then I need to be trustworthy. If I want honesty, then I need to be honest. It seems to me that I've been these things all my life--or at least close to it.

I'm not quite so sure about some of them anymore. I'm not a very open person. I have always guarded my privacy zealously. I usually say that if you ask me anything, I'll answer. Truthfully, it depends upon the person and what they are asking and why. I don't trust people very well. I don't trust people's motives at all. I've never been the world's most trusting person. And after A, why would I trust anyone to that degree again? Not that I was incredibly trusting anyway because I'm such a control freak. And the honesty thing. Am I even honest with myself? I've always had to answer a resounding "no" to that one because I don't keep good enough tabs on what I'm really feeling or doing to be honest with myself. I'm always saying that, in general, people see what they want to see in order to maintain their current level of functioning. How many blind spots do I have? How much of myself do I not even see because I don't want to see it? After this week, I wonder how many defense mechanisms I have come to rely upon because of the last year's worth of events. Relationships are tricky. I honestly don't know if I'm ready for anything resembling anything close to a relationship yet... Oh well. Anyway, I do see myself for more of who I really am, instead of a fairy tale kind of person that I wish I were. That's always a good thing, right?

2004-07-09T04:11:00.000-07:00

1. What's the best book that you've read so far this summer?

Well, I'd have to say that is was The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers. It was totally awesome, just like everything else that woman writes.

2. What's the next book that you're excited to read this summer?

I just started Bram Stroker's Dracula. I'm totally stoked about reading it... :)

turning red... bright red...

2004-07-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

Ok! Ok! Ok! Meg, that was a wonderful guess, but no, not Michael. Melvin, no worries about the female dignity thing... I've got ya covered. Jen, no L-bombs here, and I'm pretty sure there's no L-bombs on the other side either. We won't be bombing each other, but if it does happen, I'm calling to talk to ya...

So, yeah. This really kind of hit my like a ton of bricks to the head, to tell you the truth. Honestly, the night before I was giving Michael a hard time about getting a phone call at 1am, and then the next night I got three. *I'd like to just take the moment to point out the fact that we're talking about ME here!!* Needless to say, Michael had a great laugh at that and the fact that I was hopping around, not breathing and turning red into purple all at once because of excitement. A torrential rush of words that needed to come out were jammed up so badly that only "OH MY GOSH," and "CRAZY" could come out. Michael and I laughed so hard because it was just so surprising and hilarious.

So, the guy... He's a co-worker at LCCF. He's an on-call guy and just happened to be working the two day shifts I was there to train. Apparently he got the memo that I was coming... ;) He's actually in the mid-west right now working on his commercial pilot's license. When he gets back he's going to take me flying (Yes. I know. God is so strange and hilarious when you really think about it. His sense of humor couldn't have caught me more off guard.). Ok, so, I know there's a lot of questions forming in your mind right now. I'm not going to answer a lot of them. I guess that'll have to come later when there are more phone conversations and perhaps a face to face date or two. I will tell you that this guy is amazing. His life is crazy. He's way cool. I would have never, ever chosen him for myself, which is good because that means I'm taking this SUPER SLOW. I'm excited to get to know this guy because even if we wind up friends, and nothing more, he can teach me so much because he's lived so much. And the enticement for later questions... He wasn't born in the USA, or even close to the USA for that matter--in fact, we're talking different continents here and it's not Europe. *smile* So, there ya go. God is good. Indeed, God is so good.

It's Friday!

2004-07-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I just finished off my last night of the week at LCCF. It was a pretty good week, and last night was quite the adventure to end it off. So, I got asked out... I'm officially back on the dating scene... lol...

Early Morning Hours

2004-07-04T04:50:00.000-07:00

Whelp, night number three out of four. I'm a bit more tired than I have been the past couple of nights. It could probably be attributed to the fact that instead of sleeping yesterday, I was up finishing off that book for an extra two hours. It changed my nice, rounded eight hours into a severely insufficient six hours of sleep. Oh well. Today is another day to catch up on the sleep factor. Speaking of. I'm still debating whether or not I should attend church in the morning. I'm tempted to just because tomorrow might be the last time I get to take communion for a long time. I shift change might be taking place in the near future that would prevent my ability to be in church on Sunday mornings and since my church doesn't offer Saturday night services, I'm going to be SOL as far as my church is concerned. Too bad Dayspring is so far away...

In other news I've heard some pretty good stories come out of day shifts with the kids. This week we got brand new locks installed on all of our food cabinets. The reasoning behind such precautions is quite humorous. Apparently our only little female angel and one of her "manly" cohorts decided to get into all of the spices and sprinkle their fairy dust over everything--including one kid's room because he was particularly despicable in their eyes. The place smelled like a mix of strong pizza seasonings (oregano, basil, etc.) and garlic salt. Gross. :-P The couches had to be washed, bedding had to be washed, the carpets were vacuumed numerous times. It was quite the little fiasco. And I laughed when told... So, bring on the locks. It was probably a good idea to start out with anyway. *smile*

Oh yeah, I also have a new link on the side of my page. It's to "the other journal." It's a pretty rad site. It's Christian, but it's awesome. Make sure you hit the art page with the paintings of the 12 disciples. I just spent some serious time there and will be spending more time there when I can play all of the little explanations behind the choices of colors, movements, etc. in the paintings. But, there's more than just art. There are articles and reviews and a lot of other things from what I can tell. A lot of stuff is written locally (like people from Northwest Bible). Take a look. Michael, my co-worker, told me about this one. So, you can thank him...

Anyway, this passed some time sufficiently. I think I'll go read some more. The next installment of Ted Dekker's Circle Trilogy, Red. You can call me any time you want between 6pm and 8:30am Thursday thru Monday... This job is hilarious.

Tuesday Two

2004-07-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

I figured since my days have become nights and everything is so messed up, I could do my Tuesday Two on what I think is a Friday. But then again, I'm not too sure of anything anymore... :)

1. What is your favorite episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and why? No official names are necessary if you can't remember them, "The one where..." will do just fine. And if you've never seen an episode, why in the world haven't you?

I really liked Tabla Rosa. It was kind of interesting to see all of the character and what they might be like if their lives had been different. It was just one of those episodes that makes you think... I also liked Once More With Feeling because of the honesty.

2. What's your favorite Harry Potter movie so far, and what changes have excited / upset you? If you've never seen the movies, which book is your favorite? And if you've never read the book, why the crap not?!?

Ok, so I highly recommend the books. Seriously, they are a literary event that is currently changing the face of children's literature as we speak. They are amazing. And I, personally, wouldn't consider them children's books, but that's what they started off as so I think they will continue to be placed in that category.
The movies... I think they are wonderful. And like the books, I think they get better as they go (although the third book is probably my favorite for so many reasons). It is just sad to me, though, because there is so much as the books get bigger and larger in scope. So much of the first book was included in the first movie. So much of the third book was cut out for the third movie. With an extra 250-300 pages added on the fourth book, I don't see how the fourth movie will even compare to the book. The movies are wonderful, but the books are amazing.

Books...

2004-07-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

Grr... I always get so trapped in the emotion and story of good books. And NO ONE can write an amazing story like Francine Rivers. Maybe it's just me, but she is just an amazing author. People who are near me while I read any book are surprised by the outward show of emotion I go through when reading. It's actually quite comical to watch if you can stand me going off about the book every 20 mins or so. I laugh out loud, I cry, I've been incredibly close to throwing books across the room--and even almost into a fire once (a book by Ms. Rivers yet again)--and I've almost thrown a book off of a balcony because the ending was so horrid and unthinkable (again, another book by Francine Rivers).

This morning I devoured the first third of one of her books. It is so incredibly sad to me because I identify with the college and their perfect Christian image so incredibly clearly. I'm sure that this book will have effected me profoundly by the time I'm finished. Lucky for me, I have three more nights to make it through this weekend. Luckily for you, I have three more Francine Rivers books sitting at home waiting for me to pick them up in order to be changed, to be molded, to be made a more compassionate and better Christian woman. No, no one is better than Francine Rivers. No one.

Anxieties Lifted

2004-07-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

"Casting all your anxiety on Him,
because He cares for you."
~1 Peter 5:7

Change is no fun. I've done so much of it lately and I know that much more will follow. Things have been in upheaval in my life for more than a year now. My long time mentor had me sit down with her and go through my year, month by month. I had to go through and describe one or two stressful, life-changing events. Trust me, she wanted one or two from each month, I had more than enough to go off of.

Life is like that. Life is full of changes and shifts and situations to be solved all of the time. You throw your hopes and dreams into the equation and it can be enough to cause a full-fledged psychotic break. *I'm sorry! I'm a psych major!*

I think that is why 1 Peter 5:7 is so important to me. The Phillips translation reads, "You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon Him, for you are His personal concern." Isn't that beautiful? I am the living Lord's personal concern, and I can throw the full weight of my entire world onto His shoulders. And what better shoulders to carry my anxieties than the only one who can solve the root of the cause.

It makes me feel special and loved to know that I am God's personal concern. There is security and trust built within that verse. It gives me the assurance that no matter what comes my way, no matter how many changes have my name on them, I will be taken care of.

So, no worries. Bring on life. I've got the Creator of the universe waiting to show me what He's got up His sleeve... *smile*

Your Nose Can't Lie so Neither Should We

2004-07-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

"Therefore putting away lying,
'Let each of you speak truth with his neighbor,'
for we are members of one another."
~Ephesians 4:25

I was reading one of my daily devotionals by John MacArthur and his words hit me squarely. He used the basic premise of the fact that we depend on our bodies--our senses, our central nervous system--to tell us the truth about what is going on around us and within us. He made the point that it is the same with the Body of Christ.

Just as I depend upon my brain to tell me that hot is hot or cold is cold, so we depend upon each other for the truth. The most important part of his words struck home for me. "We cannot shade the truth with others and expect the church to function properly. How can we minister to each other, bear each other's burdens, care for each other, love each other, build up each other, teach each other, and pray for each other if we do not know what is going on in each others' lives?" *if you can't say amen, say ouch.*

God didn't make His children to be lone rangers out in the wilderness with just a horse to carry us through. Horses are fine animals--I love horses. But they are just that--animals. We need each other. Dependence is one of the hardest lessons God is continually trying to teach me. I continually work to make myself independent while God is continually trying to show me that not only is dependence upon others ok, but it is necessary and needed to get through this life in one piece.

It's tough. And if I'm just a nose cell or a piece of an arm muscle how in the world can I survive without the rest of my body? I'm not the whole body. We need to be honest with one another so that we can depend upon one another and help one another to the fullest extent possible. It's time to get real.

Weekends...

2004-06-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend was great. Good sun, fun activities and great friends. Seriously, I enjoyed myself even more than I thought I was going to. Great job, Poopster. It was wonderful. I can't wait until we all get together next time. :)

I'm kind of sad, though. This was pretty much my last weekend off. Ever. I now have a real job and I now have to use vacation time if I want any time off. Unfortunately for me, my vacation time doesn't kick in for another 5 1/2 months. So, basically, I work Thursday through Sunday nights until I can change my shift. I'm thankful for my job, though. It just means adjustment. I guess the only thing that I really worry about is when Survivor and CSI start again... I'm definitely going to have something figured out by then or I'll miss them because I'll be on the road going toward work by then. *smile* I love being that pathetic...

Tuesday Two Day! :-)

2004-06-25T04:56:00.000-07:00

1. I think it's safe to say that most people hate going to the dentist. So the first question for today is: What was your worst dentist visit ever, and what happened?
Ok, so I've wound up in tears at the dentist more than once. There's something about the thought of braces that honestly frightens me and causes tears upon hearing those words come out of my dentist's mouth. The worst teeth cleaning I ever endured was performed by a woman named Eleanor. She still works for my dentist and my whole family refuses to make appointments there when she works. She's horrid. She chisels and picks at your gums like a clumsy coal miner. I wanted to kick her. My brother got so fed up with her that he started counting how many times she made him bleed with her "tools." He was seriously up over 20 by the time the hour was up. And I think the thing that galls me the most about her is that she treats you like a total inconvenience and that the whole thing is your fault. Lady, my head was fricken cemented to the head rest, I didn't move and the tears streaming down my face weren't because of the bright light!

2. What was the most exciting thing that's happened to you in the three weeks that I've been gone?
Um, ok. So, this morning (well, it was actually yesterday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's all blending) we decided to frost my hairs with blonde. Holy cow. We pulled a lot of hair through the cap and dyed it one of the lightest blondes so I'm practically a blonde now. Kind of hilarious.

The Night

2004-06-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

Whelp, it's 4:30 in the morning and I've pretty much been up since 9AM yesterday. This working nights thing is kind of weird and kind of cool all in one. I finished my first book since being out of college tonight. That's actually kind of amazing since I haven't felt the need nor want to finish, let alone read a book for pleasure since venturing to college. The lone exception was my Christmas present from my roommate--a book by the same author as the book I just finished. Can I just say that if you haven't ever read anything by Ted Dekker then you are missing out. He's weird. He's intriguing. I like his books a lot. Tonight I finished the first book in his newest trilogy. I definitely want to read the next book. After the weekend I'll hopefully get the chance to delve into that one since I bought it yesterday. I have to say though, that Three is still my favorite Ted Dekker book. It definitely plays into my psychologically oriented mind. Needless to say, I went on a book buying binge this last week in anticipation of the up coming time I find myself with four nights a week. (A fact that hasn't quite sunk in yet. I have a job. I work nights at a crisis center for kids. I have a benefits package. Weird. God is good.) I bought good books too. I'm pretty excited about it all. (Poopster, you would be happy to note that I went back and bought the leather bound Hawthorne collection while it was still on sale. It's a beautiful book. *smile*) I got the entire works of Nathaniel Hawthorne. I got all of F. Scott Fitzgerald's short stories. I got a book of classic horror (Shelly's Frankenstine, Lewis's Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, and Stroker's Dracula). And finally I purchased my first Steinbeck, East of Eden, with hopes that the collection will fill out until completion. Daniel always told me that he got a lot of reading done while he worked nights. I'm kind of excited for that extra time. And I'm kind of excited to see the sun come up in the mornings for a change...

No Filter in my Head

2004-06-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

During High School one of my best friends used to write me notes with a verse in them. The notes weren't very long nor eloquent. It was just a piece of paper with a verse copied down and my name on the front. One of famous acclaim stayed on the mirror in my bed room throughout the entirety of High School. It was Psalm 141:3, "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips."

This theme has been recurring a lot lately and it has been sort of a fun experience...

My Stupid Mouth
by John Mayer

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see she was offended
She said, "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

How often does the Rueter family curse come into play and I don't even know it? How often to I crush those around me with mere words and knock the wind out of them? Man, this weekend I was in the worst mood and snapping at everyone. The whole family was over for Father's Day and I didn't handle the crowd of hungry, post church goers in a nice way. I snapped at my nephew as if I were a snapping turtle. I barbed my brother as if I were a porcupine. And if I were a cat the position of my ears would have told you that I was in the foulest mood. *padded room with no sharps please!*

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said, "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

I had to do a couple of job interviews before landing this job. One of which was incredibly intimidating because seven or eight people were asking me a packet of questions. I hadn't done a real interview since November of 1997. I should have been taped so that they could teach people what not to say. I talked because I was nervous. I talked because I didn't quite understand their questions. I talked because I didn't know what else to say. I talked because they smiled a reassuring smile that told me that I should keep going. And--no matter what--I always seemed to get myself stuck in the middle of a ten foot sticker bush trying to crawl and scratch my way out of it bleeding the entire way. By the time I walked out of the interview I was white as a sheet and I think I had lost a whole pint of blood.

We bit our lips. She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the
Salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just
Slipped out and what went wrong

Don't you just hate it when the word filter doesn't catch what it should have and you can see it in the other person's eyes? One time I started going off at a family party about my experience with a gay bar the previous night. Little did I know that my cousin, the brother of two guys I was telling the story to, had just come out about being gay the previous weekend. It seemed that everyone at the party knew about it but me. Yeah. *shoot me now!*

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said, "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

In the book of James it says that the tongue is the rudder that steers the whole ship. If your mouth is perfect, then you are a perfect person. I'll be the first to admit that I struggle often with words, phrases, unpleasant talk. I say things to be funny and it comes out horrible demented and hurtful. I swear, sometimes my tongue is forked. It's just like a serpent tongue and it's just as quick sharp.

I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me

That's the thing. I play my cards close and most people don't know most things about me. I am a mystery to many people and I'm ok with that. People close to me know things and they usually get the sense of humor that comes along with my comfort level. But, it is usually that in-between stage, or a situation where I'm supposed to be overly friendly and open, that's when I usually get into trouble.

Oh, I'm never speaking up again
starting now

I'm off the wall. My sense of humor is off the wall. How I look at life is off the wall. How I approach situations is off the wall. The things I say are off the wall. If you don't know me, I can come across crass or even rude.

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

That's it. How can you show a person what you are really like without showing a little bit of the rough edges that surround life? Until God decides to polish them off, I'm always going to have a bit of a sharp edge to me. The mistakes make me human. But, trying harder to keep my mouth in check seems to make my personality and "realness" disappear.

I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me

I ran across a little article by John MacArthur that nailed me yet again:

Useless Speech
"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth."
~Ephesians 4:29

"Rotten fruit smells terrible and is worthless. You don't want to get near it, let alone eat it. The same thing is true of rotten language. Whether it is off-color jokes, profanity, dirty stories, or crude speech, in no way should it characterize a Christian.
"Psalm 141:3 tells us how to eliminate such speech: 'Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.' If Jesus Christ is the doorkeeper of your lips, He will be the one to determine what comes out of them."

Oh I'm never speaking up again,
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

New Name...

2004-06-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

So, I don't really like calling kids "crazies." Something about labeling them so young bugs me. I think it's ok to call adults that because if you would ask them what they call themselves, I think that many of them have a good enough sense of humor about themselves that they would call themself a "crazy." Kids on the other hand, just want and need to be normal. With deep emotional or psychological scars in some cases, normal will never be attained, but it is a need for everyone to fit in (sometimes only modestly) with peers. So, I think I shall have to go by a new name. I'm not quite sure what yet, but something that is a better description with less of a label.

Speaking of fitting in... I think that's why I already like this crisis center so much. So, these kids come in as usually the only person in their family to have psychological problems. They are basically the odd ball and they are usually labeled in their family as the "sick one" or the "weird one" or the "bad one." When they come to us, they are just another kid (albeit with issues) surrounded by a bunch of kids just like them. Seriously, it's wonderful. It's a place that is hopefully safe enough where they can just be themselves and not worry about everything else as much.

Case in point. So, we have "Check-in" every morning. The kids write out their goal for the day and three steps to help them achieve that goal. They all sit around in a circle in the couches and talk about their goals and some other stuff. Each kid gets a chance to share and go over their stuff. And each kid pretty much gets asked the same questions. The morning I was there there was a twelve year old with some pretty big diagnoses facing him. He has been diagnosed with things such as Asperbergers Syndrome (a form of Autism) and Bi-Polar disorder. Well, he was really well behaved, but I wonder how much of that has to do with the fact that he's very medicated. So, Tony (the group facilitator) asked this kid how he felt (lets just call him ABP). ABP slowly looks at Tony with completely flat affect and tells him that he feels paranoid. Tony asked him why after ABP didn't elaborate, and ABP looks back at Tony and says that he's hearing voices and footsteps at night before going to bed. Seriously, the kid had no affect in his face. That information was neither here nor there. Kind of crazy... But, the cool part was how the other kids handled it. They were all really cool about it. In fact, it was like they had all already talked about it and knew what was going on. It's just kind of a cool place for kids like that. They all just kind of fit in and help each other out. Sometimes it can be a bit on the humorous side of things though... :)

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm going to be working on that name thing. If you have any ideas, let me know... :)

Quarter-pint Crazies...

2004-06-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Whelp, I've put in two full days at my new job. It is residential--where people live there--but it's going to be ok because the clients change at least every two weeks. The kids that we have in range from age 9 to 13. Right now we can only have 5 kids in, which we have, but we're equipped to handle 6 if two kids can share a room. Right now, none of the kids can share rooms because there is too much unknown about them and their pasts. Usually we'll have mainly kids who are suicidal and can't go home or kids who are behaviorally out of control and can't be controlled at home and/or school.

My first day was mainly filled with paperwork and the like. Going over benefits packages and policy and procedures. It was crazy and a bit overwhelming. But, I'm excited to have all of that. **I went hiking last weekend on an old mining road that was horrid and all I could think was, "Don't fall, you don't have insurance. Don't fall, you don't have insurance."** So, this is good for sure.

So, yesterday, I had to be there at 7 in the morning and do the whole day shift. It was pretty fun. I got to hang out with the kids for most of the day. It honestly kind of reminded me of camp counseling in a way. Except all of these kids are your worst nightmare for cabin mates. These are the kinds of kids who you just don't want in your cabin because any one of them can make the week miserable. It was pretty funny though. One of the kids went out on a "pass" with his mom and another one was sick in her room so Tony and I had full charge of three kids. And, definitely, these kids were some of the harder kids to deal with. One is there because she's suicidal and has a lot of emotional needs and trauma. The other two boys are there because they have been out of control and they need some time away from parents and teachers so that they possibly turn the bad actions around. So, we decided to play Looney Tune Monopoly together. All of us. The three kids and I. I decided to be the real estate agent and the suicidal girl decided to be the banker. It was pretty funny to just watch the whole thing play out, but it was not that fun to play. The really bad older boy who can get assaultive tried to make up his own rules the whole entire time, and got hacked every time we called him on it. The emotionally needy girl tried to get extra attention by holding onto the money that she was giving us so we would have to try and take it from her two or three times. Needless to say, that got old fast. My little guy who wasn't that bad at all just kind of went along with what the older, more troubled, boy did. So, we played. It wasn't really fun. It wasn't a really enjoyable time. But, probably for the first time in a long time, these kids were able to sit a play through some of a board game. It was all going well until the banker girl looks at me and says, "You look pregnant." And the older, out of control boy says, "That's totally mean! You are calling her fat! You're horrible!" And it just escalated from there. Now, I've worked with middle schoolers for ever and stuff like that doesn't phase me, but apparently the house doesn't tolerate stuff like that at all so both of those guys got sent to their rooms for time outs (swearing all the way there I might add), and me and the little guy picked up and then did some more math. It was pretty fun. And, it was totally hilarious to watch. Anyway, that's some of my day. You can be expecting more stories to come soon... :)

I GOT A JOB!!!

2004-06-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

So, I start tomorrow even.:-D I am now a part of a team who works with psychiatrically challenged kids ages 7-14 who are having so many problems that they can't live at home right now. They are in a crisis facility anywhere from two days to two weeks and we're just there to keep them safe and help them through their tough time. I'm so excited! This is my age group of kids. Middle School was so incredibly tough for me and I just love coming along side of kids in that age group and showing them and telling them that they are ok and wonderful and loved. I could write a book... (maybe someday I'll do that!) Anyway, this is completely cool. Have a marvelous day!

Simple Pleasures

2004-06-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

I must be a night person. There is truly something about the evening and night that in incredibly magical. The air is different. The world just seems to sigh at the relaxing time it has after a full and busy day. Some days there is an overwhelming amount of creativity built up and the sky is painted in all sorts of magnificent reds, fiery oranges and outrageous pinks with a backdrop canvas of deep, warm royal blues and purples.

I love this time of year. I love that it gets darker later and that the air is clearer so as to see the horizon and the stars. I think one of my favorite joys is turning out all of the lights around 10:20pm and watching the last little bit of sun shimmer and dance along the tops of the mountains. I also love sitting outside at suck either reading or just sitting. Sometimes the wind decides to rustle the trees, sometimes the bunnies come out to play. But always, God is there waiting for me to come, unwind, and enjoy His creation.

So, the next time you've had an overwhelming day, grab a good book, grab a hot cup of tea and grab a piece of the outdoors. The combination is sure to lift your mind, your heart and even your soul. :)

Growing...

2004-06-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

written June 3rd
My mom has said more than once that I have grown up so much in the last year. As I look back on the last two years, I see such a pivotal time in my life and my walk with God.

My year of living with Brownie/little poopsickle/Drea was crazy. I'm glad that I was able to start to go through so many of my growing pains with someone who know me as well as she did and does. As I was unpacking some random paperwork I ran across some notes that I jotted down for a talk I gave to my dorm at the end of that year (my junior year). It astounded me how much I had learned. I had literally learned to finally love myself and begin to accept myself for the unique creation God had made me to be. There was a verse that kept popping up, Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true there is life and joy."

Right after all that huge growth, I started a relationship that I thought would make all of my dreams com true. When that fell apart six months later my heart, my mind, my soul was sick and I ached. And I learned. I learned so much within that relationship that is completely invaluable. And I have learned so much after that relationship that I am very thankful for it.

You see, there are a few things that I know to be absolutely true--all the way down to my toes. One of those is the fact that God knows my hear and my dreams inside and out. He knows them better than I do in fact. Therefore, if God decides to say "no" or "wait" on my dreams, then I'm ok with that because I know He wants to bless me and fulfill my hopes and dreams. He know that when my dreams are deferred it makes my hear sick, so I trust that He won't make me sick any longer than He has to.

God wants His absolute best for me. Why would I do anything but trust Him? Hasn't He proven to me over and over again that He knows that when He makes us wait, we get sick so therefore He continually sticks to the other side to help us see our dreams come true. My dream of college is already attained. With all of the rest of my dreams waiting, I can't wait to see what tomorrow might bring...

Sex and Math

2004-06-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

So, as if you needed anymore proof of how absolutely stupid casual sex is, here is a little math problem I picked up at my HIV/AIDS class to drive home the point...

"If you had unprotected sex with 3 people in a year and each of those people had unprotected sex with 3 people each year for 4 years, you could have had 696 exposures to STDs and HIV, the virus which causes AIDS.

If you had unprotected sex with 10 people in a year and each of those people had unprotected sex with 10 people each year for 4 years, you could have had 135,000 exposures to STDs and HIV, the virus which causes AIDS."

*Those of you who wish to post the equation behind the answers, feel free. :)

And for those of you wondering, I had to have the 4 hour HIV/AIDS class so I could get my Washington State Counseling Registration so I can work up here. And, oddly enough, a girl that I went to kindergarten with was in the class. She had just graduated from PLU (Pacific Lutheran University) with a psychology degree. Seriously, my HIV/AIDS class had less than 10 people in it. The chances that we were in the same class in Everett was not high at all, so it was crazy and kind of funny. Anyway, randomness for you today...

777

2004-06-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

written May 16th
What comes to your mind when the number 777 is said? Do you think of the perfect number allusion in contrast to man's number, 666? Do you think of the aircraft that rolled off of the Boeing assembly line not too many years ago? How about the number of American soldiers who have died in Iraq as of today?

Now, don't get me wrong. I support President Bush and the war on terrorism (Dr. D scared me enough to support it for the rest of my life), but this just saddens my heart. With news of American conduct towards prisoners, my heart hurts even more. I will never forget the impact left by the book, "The Things They Carried." I was a senior in high school when I read it and I will carry that Vietnam soldier's testimony with me for the rest of my life. More then that, though, I don't want to forget. The truthfulness with which he wrote, the calculated yet emotionally driven pen wrote with indelible ink onto and into my thought processes. War is horrible.

War is horrible. It may be necessary, but that doesn't change the fact that it is horrible. I think that humans live in a constant state of denial about what we are each capable of. I think that when a person is presented with the undeniable fact that they are capable of anything if put under the right pressure and stress--I think that knowledge alone is enough to crush a person's spirit and mind.

There is something about us humans. It seems to be this innate knowledge, almost like an instinct, that we as humans are significant. Whether one admits it or not, there is the fingerprint of God on every human life. I think that is why the knowledge of the ability to kill, to end a life, is so devastating for almost every single person.

I feel so horrible for the 777 families who have lost their brother, sister, mother, father, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, husband, wife, etc. They aren't ever going to be whole again because their baby will never come home again. 777.

How many more thousands of soldiers will come home broken and shattered because evil met them personally on the battle field? It's time to pray. Pray for the soldiers. Pray for their families. Pray for the people in charge of putting them in harm's way.
(As of last night I think the number dead is approximately 813. A Stanwood family lost their last remaining son in Iraq only 15 months after his little brother died in a car crash here.)

Swindoll for today...

2004-06-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

Here's another bite that hit me hard. It's still from the "Wisdom for the way: Wise Words for Busy People" book that has segments from Charles Swindoll's books and stuff. Hope it speaks to you as well...

Segments of Solitude

"My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him."
Psalm 62:5

Henri Nouwen called solitude... "the furnace of transformation." This doesn't refer to mere personal privacy for a twelve-second pit stop where we get a quick fix to reenter the race. It's more than that. It's an oasis of the soul where we see ourselves, others, and especially out God in new ways. It's where much of the "clutter" of life is identified and exterminated, thanks to the merciless heat of the "furnace." Soul surgery transpires as serenity replaces anxiety.

In solitude, struggles occur that no one else knows about. Inner battles are fought here that seldom become fodder for sermons of illustrations for books. God, who probes our deepest thoughts during protracted segments of solitude, opens our eyes to things that need attention. It is here He makes us aware of those things we try to hide from others.
~Intimacy with the Almighty